Sorry for the absence

It has been a few days since I've actually posted an entry and for that I apologize. A number of different things has kept me from sitting down and typing out a long entry. Above all of them is the fact that the weather here has been crazy! In November, we've had 60-70 F temperatures and thunderstorms. Heck, a tornado has gone through here already. Today was so beautiful outside with just the right amount of sun and blue sky. The breeze wasn't too cold or too warm either. Today seemed like someone had plucked it right out of the beginning of summer and sat it down in the winter for us. Sad part? It's supposed to snow here on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. Yep, the weather's going to shift that fast and that drastically. I think it's a major part on the gloominess that I've been feeling here lately. The rising/falling in the barometric pressure makes my muscles tense up and go into cramps. Sometimes the muscles will even start to go into a cramp but then stop, only to constantly feel like it's going to cramp any second. I slept late Friday so I was unable to call my rheumy's office to see what he wanted to me to do about the tenseness I was feeling so I called the Enbrel hotline. I hate to say that they weren't much help, but they can't reccommend anything because they're not doctors. So I have to get into touch with my rheumy tomorrow morning and let him know that I called the hotline as also that I've been having some bad days. No sinus infection as I'm writing this but I've had the pressure headaches. Ick, this weather's a mess.

Anywho, I have made the decision not to attend my high school reunion this year. I had been looking forward to it but right now, I know that it would cause me more harm emotionally than I need to endure. Yes, the death of my friend in October played a part in that decision. Also the fact that I have lost two other friends in the past ten years and would have given anything to see them at the reunion. It's just too much. I lost a good friend only one year out of high school. He went out to his truck to eat during his lunch break at work and never came back inside. One of his co-workers found him dead in the cab of his truck. Two years ago, my friend, Joy, passed away on my wedding anniversary due to complications from Lupus. She had been misdiagnosed for a few years and her health was on a steady decline. We had just started to write back and forth when she passed. Now with Abby gone, I just don't want to go. I'm not going to make myself face harmful emotions when I can avoid them. I have already gathered the email addresses as well as personal information from those I would want to get in touch with so I am contacting them and reliving some of the "glory days" of our high school experience. Therefore it's not a total loss not going.

Things have also been a little rough between Chris and I the past few weeks. For those of you that don't know, he was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma stage 4 in late January and had chemotherapy for five and a half months. He was announced cancer free on August 16th of this year. It was definitely a trying time for both of us. I think I took it much harder than he did. Ever since the beginning of October, he's been distant from me and not as affectionate when it comes to kissing or holding hands. He still gives me compliments and flirts with me. Yet it goes no further than that at times. In my head, I know that the chemo has diminished the sex drive some but my heart is taking it personally. We did sit down and talk about it this weekend. I didn't want to keep it all inside and make myself go deeper into a depression when it's nothing that is my fault or that I have control over. When he goes for his next appointment with his oncologist for his check-up, he's going to ask about the situation. I need to stop blaming myself for so much. I know that he loves me and he desires me even though I'm nowhere near supermodel status. I'm a big girl, I admit it. He loves me the way I am and though he would like for me to be healthy, he doesn't push the issue. He merely encourages me to keep doing my best. For the first time in nine years, I've actually talked to him about things that I thought were caused by something I did instead of him having to drag it out of me. In a way, I guess I'm gonig on a self-discovery journey even though there's a huge cloud of sadness around me. I know it will lift. I just needed a kick in the pants as a friend of mine from Oregon gave me. (Thanks, Stacy!)

I'm still working on my novel for the NaNoWriMo contest. It's nearing the halfway mark of the month and I'm only at just over 11k words. I'm not giving up yet. I have plenty of time during the week while Chris is at work to type away if my wrists don't give out on me first. I love the way the story is playing out. I'm kinda excited to see where it leads me. Believe me, I'm going to stay with it as long as I can. The whole situation with my grandmother is improving slightly. I know that I need to post an entry about how it came about and what's being done now. It's just a little hard to think of her the way she is now. I'm happy to say that she's slowly coming out of her depression and not breaking down into sobs as often as she did the first few days that she was back in our hometown. I will never let her get to this point again. My mother is going to pay to have a phone hooked up in her room so we are able to call her and talk to her. I don't think this holiday season is going to be a very merry one for the person responsible for some of the problems. Not all the problems were this person's fault. But when you choose to not follow up on something your mother tells you has happened to her, you accept part of the blame. At least that's how I feel. And for those who blindly believe everything the person says without question, you need to wake up a bit and realize that even though the person is realted to you by blood, the person is still able to do things that hurt or seem to be neglectful.

Okay, okay. Not going to keep going on that tangent for tonight. I'm off to bed for a while but I will be back as I was before. Thanks for hanging in there with me. Take care and know that I value each and every one of you.

Until next time,
Kim