Dark clouds today

That's the sunset here from last night. I decided to snap a bunch of pictures while the sun was out of Chris and myself. Then the sun started to set and I took this one. I was standing on the front steps when I took it. The bit of sunlight before the darkness of night fell. That's what I'm holding onto right now, the last bit of sunlight or light in general. See, I have been working really hard not to let this thing with Chris get to me. But it's not working. I've done just about everything that I can think of to remind myself that my faith isn't going to let me down nor will things be as bad as I think they will. It helps for a little while and then the doubts and darkness comes back into my thoughts. I just don't know what else to do except face the doubts and darkness, let it out and move on as hard as it will be. I have been avoiding people that I love to spend time with because I don't want to put on the "pretend it's all okay" mask. There are some people who see right through it and tell me to let it go, to lean on them for awhile. I feel guilty and almost mad at myself for laying more burdens on those who already are facing their own. That's exactly how it feels to me. Nonetheless, I can't hold all these feelings no matter how dark and scary they are inside me any longer. That way only brought more harm than doing any good. I have written the worst and darkest fears out in my journal that I keep offline and tried my hardest not to think of them during the day so I won't give any more power than necessary.

Tomorrow we go see the oncologist to see what is causing Chris' hands to swell and feel as though they are on fire. I have an uneasy feeling that it's something bad and I can't shake it. Believe me, I've kept the prayers of health and protection going as well as holding onto my faith as hard as I can. Yet the feeling won't go away. Either way, Chris and I will get through whatever it is that we are going to be facing the only way we know how. That is together. Whenever we do things or work on projects together, it just seems like there's nothing holding us back. I'm so hoping that is what we are able to do with whatever news we get tomorrow. Not only that, but I know deep down that I have a lot of people out there also praying, meditating, or sending healing thoughts his way. We'll be safe one way or another.

Today, it's cold and gloomy outside. Not exactly helping me to keep a positive attitude. Yet, I try to tell myself that the sun is only taking a break before coming back out and warming everything back up once again. My hands and feet are really bothering me today as the weather has shifted bringing rain and cold winds through Indiana. Even the little birds that usually inhabit our trees have gone into hiding. I have spent part of the morning sitting out on the front porch, thinking through everything and being thankful that I have another day to live and spend time with those I love. This latest bump in the road has really thrown me for a loop and the bad thing is that I don't know why. I have been going through emails and just playing online for the most part so far this afternoon. Chris has been spending time with friends, working on armor out in the garage while he can. He's been growing more and more nervous as Wednesday approaches. I added another two and a half rows on my afghan as well as read halfway into my next book. So I must say that even though it's gloomy outside, it's also been a semi-productive day for me. Hope that all is well out there for you, my dear friends. I keep each one of you close to my heart.

Love and blessings,
Kim