Just thinking
I realized yesterday just how much I missed doing my blog. I know that it didn't seem like I wrote a lot when I did my updates, but it was a lot for me to sit here and type it all out. I haven't been feeling at my best for the past couple of days. I have been off my enbrel for almost three months and I can definitely tell. I hurt all over, aches and sometimes stabbing pains, and feel so tired all the time. All I want to do is sleep even though I have a lot on my plate to get done. I feel like I walking through sludge. I am not sure when I will be able to take my enbrel again but I hope that it is very soon. It's all because I had a blood clot in my lung back in the end of January/beginning of Feburary. My rheumy and I both believe that it was more on the part of genetics than medication that caused me to have a blood clot but the company that makes the enbrel shot wants to do more research on it before they will feel comfortable enough to let me continue taking the medication. I can tell just how much it had helped me within these past few months. The increase in energy and the decrease in pain and stiffness had been so gradual that I truly didn't know it was happening. Now I know it did happen. I wish I could have it back again.
Been thinking about how I was just four years ago. The pain had really been unbearable but in the end, I grew to tolerate high rates of the pain. Not really a good thing due to the fact that I only feel the pain when things have gotten out of control without a way to catch them and/or prevent them from going further. I have been doing a lot of questioning in the "what if" department. Something someone said to me really got me down a few days ago. I had been talking about martial stuff and the fact that because Chris had this reaction to chemo, we've not had sex in a long time. The person told me that really shouldn't matter whether we did or not as Chris and I weren't going to have children. I asked why they had said that. Their answer was that if we're were going to have children, we would have already had one or two by now due to the fact Chris and I have been together for nearly ten years. It struck me hard because of two reasons. One, I was pregnant and I ended up having an eutopic pregnancy. That meant I had to terminate the pregnancy because the baby was developing in the fallopian tubes instead of the womb. It would have led to both the death of the baby and myself. It's something that has haunted me for the past eight years. Two, I never said that I didn't want children. As it stands right now, neither Chris nor myself would be able physically to take care of a baby. An older child, maybe but not a newborn. It hurts me that others would make such stupid assumptions just because I haven't done what everyone else has. Had I been able to choose every little thing, I would most definitely choose not to have this disease and to have a life complete with children, a family that doesn't fight or use each other for personal gain, and enough money that I wouldn't have to worry whether I can eat or pay bills.
Okay, enough of the mini-rants. It's just been that kind of day today. The weather seems to be shifting here and all my emotions are on edge. I'm tired and aching in nearly every joint. That seems to make things worse for me. I try my hardest not to take my frustrations and hurt out on people that don't deserve it which means I take it out on myself. I need to find a release that won't harm anyone or anything including myself. Writing does help but there are times when I still feel frustrated and restless even after a marathon session of writing. Any suggestions? Feel free to leave some in the comments. Hope everyone has a good day nonetheless.
Love and blessings,
Kim
Been thinking about how I was just four years ago. The pain had really been unbearable but in the end, I grew to tolerate high rates of the pain. Not really a good thing due to the fact that I only feel the pain when things have gotten out of control without a way to catch them and/or prevent them from going further. I have been doing a lot of questioning in the "what if" department. Something someone said to me really got me down a few days ago. I had been talking about martial stuff and the fact that because Chris had this reaction to chemo, we've not had sex in a long time. The person told me that really shouldn't matter whether we did or not as Chris and I weren't going to have children. I asked why they had said that. Their answer was that if we're were going to have children, we would have already had one or two by now due to the fact Chris and I have been together for nearly ten years. It struck me hard because of two reasons. One, I was pregnant and I ended up having an eutopic pregnancy. That meant I had to terminate the pregnancy because the baby was developing in the fallopian tubes instead of the womb. It would have led to both the death of the baby and myself. It's something that has haunted me for the past eight years. Two, I never said that I didn't want children. As it stands right now, neither Chris nor myself would be able physically to take care of a baby. An older child, maybe but not a newborn. It hurts me that others would make such stupid assumptions just because I haven't done what everyone else has. Had I been able to choose every little thing, I would most definitely choose not to have this disease and to have a life complete with children, a family that doesn't fight or use each other for personal gain, and enough money that I wouldn't have to worry whether I can eat or pay bills.
Okay, enough of the mini-rants. It's just been that kind of day today. The weather seems to be shifting here and all my emotions are on edge. I'm tired and aching in nearly every joint. That seems to make things worse for me. I try my hardest not to take my frustrations and hurt out on people that don't deserve it which means I take it out on myself. I need to find a release that won't harm anyone or anything including myself. Writing does help but there are times when I still feel frustrated and restless even after a marathon session of writing. Any suggestions? Feel free to leave some in the comments. Hope everyone has a good day nonetheless.
Love and blessings,
Kim
posted by Kim @ 5:37 PM
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