I'm tired.....
Tired of everything that I carry on my shoulders, in my heart or within my soul. There has to be a point in which things lighten so that the burden isn't hard to carry. I haven't reached that limit apparently as I am still being trusted with more burdens from the gods to carry on my shoulders. I'm glad that I'm trustworthy but I wonder if I'm trusted just a bit too much. In the past month, Chris and I have had to deal with several private situations involving other family members. It has tested our patience, love and understanding to the degree that we have begun to pull away to let things settle. I won't be going into details because I don't feel it's necessary to put everything out in the open just yet. I'm not even sure that I will discuss them if the time to talk openly ever presents itself. All I will say is that my opinion and love for those involved haven't changed but I feel that their opinion of us has. If that is the case, then they will have to make that decision for themselves and live with the outcome they chose. It has been a rough month for Chris and I, with that situation and the fact that we are coming to the end of his short term disability as set by his job. We're facing a hard road and it only makes it harder when people you have come to love suddenly stop or appear to stop because of misunderstandings.
As I mentioned above, Chris's short-term disability time is drawing to an end and we're no closer in finding out what's wrong with him than we first started in April of this year. Back in April after his chemotherapy in March, we noticed his hands swelling badly and with intense burning and pain. So we went to the family doctor who gave him medications. Unfortunately the medication made things worse. Off we went back to the oncologist to find out if this was another cancer in the works or if there was something else going on that we would have to deal with. The oncologist discovered that Chris was (and still is) cancer free so whatever was causing these symptoms was not a cancer related issue. The oncologist also felt as though Chris was suffering from a rare reaction to the type of chemotherapy drug he was given in March. Therefore, we were referred to my rheumatologist to see if he would be able to help Chris in any way. The rheumy ran blood tests and started Chris on a different anti-inflammatory to see if there would be any progress. The results of the Rheumatiod and Lupus tests came back negative while the Sed rate test came back only slightly elevated. That just meant that there was something going and inflammation was present in the body. At Chris's last appointment on August 31st, the rheumatologist bascially sent us back to the family doctor. Due to the fact that there was no evidence of arthritis or related illnesses, there wasn't much that the rheumy could do for us. He let us know that he would be willing to try but he wasn't sure in which direction to go. The rheumy also gave Chris is release to go back to work so he officially was back to work as of yesterday (9/1). When we got home from seeing the rheumy, I called the family doctor and arranged for Chris to go into his office to discuss what to do next. Chris is still having the pain and tenderness in the hands and now back spasms so bad that they wake him from a deep sleep. There are a couple of theories going through my head but they're both not good. I'm afraid to even speak them aloud because I don't want them to come true. The family doctor wasn't happy that Chris wasn't able to get something to help him get better from either the oncologist or the rheumatologist. So he gave Chris some muscle relaxers to help with the back spasms and if they don't let up even a bit, Chris will have to have a MRI done to see if there's anything wrong with his back. For now, Chris has to continue on with the pain medication and the anti-inflammatory since it is seeming to work to reduce the swelling. Chris still has some problems with just taking a shower so I know work is going to be a lot harder for him than it needs to be. The only good news we've had regarding Chris's work is the fact that they are shut down for the holiday until Tuesday of next week, so his first day back to work will be Wednesday. He might even be getting a more supervisor type position than line worker position due to his seniority. We'll have to wait and see when he goes back though to be sure on that one. I'm hoping he will have it because it will mean that he won't have to do much with his back and hands the way they are.
Yet him going back to work is a good thing right now. Our finances are completely and udderly shot. Beginning with his diagnosis of cancer last year, we struggled while he was off work even though we've had the help of family and friends. When he went back to work last August and started to bring home a bit more than his disability pay, we began to get back on track. I didn't know about the programs and organizations out there to help cancer survivors and family to get through the hard times. The doctor's offices have been really nice in working with us as has the debt collection agencies when I explain our situation. It's just the credit card companies that haven't been so nice. Unfortunately I don't have the money to send them so how can I make it appear each time they call me? But with him going to work again, we'll start to get back on the right track. Even if he's only getting $50 more on the paycheck than what his disability was. It will be a help. I'm sad because we won't be able to get things for people for Christmas this year as I had hoped. I don't get expensive things anyway but I'd still like to give people something to show them I care even if it's something that I've made myself. If some of the people can't accept that, then they weren't what I thought they were in the first place.
The only rays of sunshine in the gloominess of the past few weeks has been the friends who have tried to keep me from falling into depression again. They've called or IM'd (even though I haven't been on the computer very much at all in the past two weeks, they've still tried to get ahold of me and leave me messages). I want to say thanks for looking out for me and sending me things that make me smile or just checking up on me when I needed it most. I was really glad to meet one of my long-time online friends last weekend. She asked me to be a part of her wedding in June of next year and had some free time to come over to my house from Ohio to show me some of the things that she had bought or had on order for her wedding. Jaden showed me the dress I'd be wearing and I think it's absolutely beautiful. I hope that I'll do it justice. Lol! Her wedding dress was stunning and it truly fits her personality. It's traditional and yet not which is definitely her in all ways! She and her fiancee came here on Saturday afternoon. We all sat and chatted for a long while, compared stories, made plans for the bacheloretter party and then went out to eat dinner at 11pm! Lol, we kinda lost track of time. When we got back to my house, we sat around and chatted some more while a storm rolled in. By the time they were ready to head out, it was after 3am and storming so they opted to stay the night in our guestroom. I was so happy to see her finally. :) We're almost twins except for the fact we have different mothers and are about six months apart in birth dates. Lol, but other than those facts. I love her to death and absolutely can't wait for her wedding. I can't wait for my friend, Stacy's wedding as well. They're both next year. One's in May and the other in June. It's going to be a busy couple of months for me then. May is a busy month for me anyway. There's anniversaries and birthdays galore in there and now more will be added. :) Yay for looking forward to good things.
Well, I've been working on this post for a really long time now. I haven't been doing so good myself in the health department over the last few days. The weather's changing to fall which means it's getting cooler and the days are unpredictable. That means my arthritis is going to be acting up a whole lot more than it already has. So for those to do stop by and read this blog of mine, I'm doing the best I can in getting online and writing emails or notes to you. It just takes a long time. I started typing this entry at almost 9pm and the time is now almost 1am. I've had to stop and take breaks the entire time. So please don't think I'm just blowing you guys off. If I could I would chat all the time. It's been hard not to come to the computer. There may be a few more days to pass before I can get online and chat a lot. So please hang in there with me. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and blessings,
Kim
As I mentioned above, Chris's short-term disability time is drawing to an end and we're no closer in finding out what's wrong with him than we first started in April of this year. Back in April after his chemotherapy in March, we noticed his hands swelling badly and with intense burning and pain. So we went to the family doctor who gave him medications. Unfortunately the medication made things worse. Off we went back to the oncologist to find out if this was another cancer in the works or if there was something else going on that we would have to deal with. The oncologist discovered that Chris was (and still is) cancer free so whatever was causing these symptoms was not a cancer related issue. The oncologist also felt as though Chris was suffering from a rare reaction to the type of chemotherapy drug he was given in March. Therefore, we were referred to my rheumatologist to see if he would be able to help Chris in any way. The rheumy ran blood tests and started Chris on a different anti-inflammatory to see if there would be any progress. The results of the Rheumatiod and Lupus tests came back negative while the Sed rate test came back only slightly elevated. That just meant that there was something going and inflammation was present in the body. At Chris's last appointment on August 31st, the rheumatologist bascially sent us back to the family doctor. Due to the fact that there was no evidence of arthritis or related illnesses, there wasn't much that the rheumy could do for us. He let us know that he would be willing to try but he wasn't sure in which direction to go. The rheumy also gave Chris is release to go back to work so he officially was back to work as of yesterday (9/1). When we got home from seeing the rheumy, I called the family doctor and arranged for Chris to go into his office to discuss what to do next. Chris is still having the pain and tenderness in the hands and now back spasms so bad that they wake him from a deep sleep. There are a couple of theories going through my head but they're both not good. I'm afraid to even speak them aloud because I don't want them to come true. The family doctor wasn't happy that Chris wasn't able to get something to help him get better from either the oncologist or the rheumatologist. So he gave Chris some muscle relaxers to help with the back spasms and if they don't let up even a bit, Chris will have to have a MRI done to see if there's anything wrong with his back. For now, Chris has to continue on with the pain medication and the anti-inflammatory since it is seeming to work to reduce the swelling. Chris still has some problems with just taking a shower so I know work is going to be a lot harder for him than it needs to be. The only good news we've had regarding Chris's work is the fact that they are shut down for the holiday until Tuesday of next week, so his first day back to work will be Wednesday. He might even be getting a more supervisor type position than line worker position due to his seniority. We'll have to wait and see when he goes back though to be sure on that one. I'm hoping he will have it because it will mean that he won't have to do much with his back and hands the way they are.
Yet him going back to work is a good thing right now. Our finances are completely and udderly shot. Beginning with his diagnosis of cancer last year, we struggled while he was off work even though we've had the help of family and friends. When he went back to work last August and started to bring home a bit more than his disability pay, we began to get back on track. I didn't know about the programs and organizations out there to help cancer survivors and family to get through the hard times. The doctor's offices have been really nice in working with us as has the debt collection agencies when I explain our situation. It's just the credit card companies that haven't been so nice. Unfortunately I don't have the money to send them so how can I make it appear each time they call me? But with him going to work again, we'll start to get back on the right track. Even if he's only getting $50 more on the paycheck than what his disability was. It will be a help. I'm sad because we won't be able to get things for people for Christmas this year as I had hoped. I don't get expensive things anyway but I'd still like to give people something to show them I care even if it's something that I've made myself. If some of the people can't accept that, then they weren't what I thought they were in the first place.
The only rays of sunshine in the gloominess of the past few weeks has been the friends who have tried to keep me from falling into depression again. They've called or IM'd (even though I haven't been on the computer very much at all in the past two weeks, they've still tried to get ahold of me and leave me messages). I want to say thanks for looking out for me and sending me things that make me smile or just checking up on me when I needed it most. I was really glad to meet one of my long-time online friends last weekend. She asked me to be a part of her wedding in June of next year and had some free time to come over to my house from Ohio to show me some of the things that she had bought or had on order for her wedding. Jaden showed me the dress I'd be wearing and I think it's absolutely beautiful. I hope that I'll do it justice. Lol! Her wedding dress was stunning and it truly fits her personality. It's traditional and yet not which is definitely her in all ways! She and her fiancee came here on Saturday afternoon. We all sat and chatted for a long while, compared stories, made plans for the bacheloretter party and then went out to eat dinner at 11pm! Lol, we kinda lost track of time. When we got back to my house, we sat around and chatted some more while a storm rolled in. By the time they were ready to head out, it was after 3am and storming so they opted to stay the night in our guestroom. I was so happy to see her finally. :) We're almost twins except for the fact we have different mothers and are about six months apart in birth dates. Lol, but other than those facts. I love her to death and absolutely can't wait for her wedding. I can't wait for my friend, Stacy's wedding as well. They're both next year. One's in May and the other in June. It's going to be a busy couple of months for me then. May is a busy month for me anyway. There's anniversaries and birthdays galore in there and now more will be added. :) Yay for looking forward to good things.
Well, I've been working on this post for a really long time now. I haven't been doing so good myself in the health department over the last few days. The weather's changing to fall which means it's getting cooler and the days are unpredictable. That means my arthritis is going to be acting up a whole lot more than it already has. So for those to do stop by and read this blog of mine, I'm doing the best I can in getting online and writing emails or notes to you. It just takes a long time. I started typing this entry at almost 9pm and the time is now almost 1am. I've had to stop and take breaks the entire time. So please don't think I'm just blowing you guys off. If I could I would chat all the time. It's been hard not to come to the computer. There may be a few more days to pass before I can get online and chat a lot. So please hang in there with me. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and blessings,
Kim
posted by Kim @ 9:47 PM
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