Sunshine and raindrops
I'm so tired today. I know I've said that many times before. It's still true today. I have tried to get sleep but I still feel like I haven't gotten that restful sleep that my body needs so that it doesn't hurt so much. The weather here in Indiana has really been mild, almost spring-like. We've had temperatures in the 60s even! Later this week, there's supposed to be a cooling down but I don't think we're going to have snow for Christmas. I might get surprised but I don't know. I think January and February may prove to have many snow days in them. Just a feeling I have. Things here have been going well for the most part. I've had some good days and some really rough days. It seems Fridays are the hardest for obvious reasons. It's going to take a little more time for me to be able to go on without thinking it's been such and such amount of time since Billy died. Then again, it still seems like a dream to me. I sometimes wonder if this is some kind of nightmare and I will wake up to hear him on the phone.
I talk to my mom a lot more nowadays. We've skirted around the subject of Billy being gone a few times. I know she cries at night and sometimes all day for him. She knows I do the same thing at times. And yet, we both try to be brave for the other. I guess that's part of the legacy Billy left behind. Caring for others before ourselves. I went to her house today. We were going to finish up filling out the thank you cards to send to those who came to Billy's showing and funeral service. Instead we went online and bought some gifts for the nurses at the hospital to show our appreciation for all the care and love they gave to Billy. We also went to a site for the Dorough Lupus Foundation. It was started by Howie Dorough from the Backstreet Boys in memory of his sister that passed away from Lupus. They have some wonderful items you can purchase and the proceeds go to research for a cure. There is also a petition you can sign to get the Post Office to create a charity Lupus stamp. I'm going to be adding links over the next few days so be sure to check tomorrow or Wednesday for them. Then, please, check them out. There are a lot of people who are affected by Lupus but they just don't know that there are others out there who have been through what they are going through. They're not alone.
After deciding to wait until tomorrow to finish up the thank you cards, Chris and I left Mom's house and drove over to the graveyard. Until the insurance is settled, Mom and Dad have to wait to get Billy a really nice grave marker. For now there's a bronze temporary marker to mark his grave. Its funny that he's only been gone a day over 3 weeks and the grass over his grave has already started to take root and blend with the grass surrounding the grave. It's almost as if the ground had never been disturbed to begin with. I know better though. I know he's gone and where his body lies. Sometimes I still close my eyes at night and see him laying in the casket or him during his final moments. Chris thinks I'm rushing to "be okay" with things. He thinks I should take as long as I need to deal with the loss and trying to find my identity once again. I will forever be his sister but now I need to find out me without Billy as part of that identity. I started writing to him the other day. I was writing a letter to my sister in Texas and just decided to write him. I mentioned the fact I was writing him letters to a few people. They've encouraged me to keep doing it if it helps me to come to terms with things. One said I should try to write a letter each day or every other day for about a year. Then try to put it together in book form. I don't know about that. I know I want the world to know how wonderful Billy was but I don't know if that's the right way to go about it. Writing the letters has been helpful so far. I guess I'll keep doing them until I feel I don't need to any longer.
I'm still behind in emails and catching up my journal/blog. I shouldn't push myself to catch up but I'm trying to get into a new routine of sorts to get myself onto a schedule. Without the wonderful, loving and forgiving friends of mine, I wouldn't know what to do. There are moments when I'm so overwhelmed with my emotions and one of them will call me or I'll get something in the mail from them. You guys know who you are. Please know that I love you with my whole heart and I hope to someday repay you in love and kindness what you've given to me. Take care of yourselves.
Love and blessings,
Kim
I talk to my mom a lot more nowadays. We've skirted around the subject of Billy being gone a few times. I know she cries at night and sometimes all day for him. She knows I do the same thing at times. And yet, we both try to be brave for the other. I guess that's part of the legacy Billy left behind. Caring for others before ourselves. I went to her house today. We were going to finish up filling out the thank you cards to send to those who came to Billy's showing and funeral service. Instead we went online and bought some gifts for the nurses at the hospital to show our appreciation for all the care and love they gave to Billy. We also went to a site for the Dorough Lupus Foundation. It was started by Howie Dorough from the Backstreet Boys in memory of his sister that passed away from Lupus. They have some wonderful items you can purchase and the proceeds go to research for a cure. There is also a petition you can sign to get the Post Office to create a charity Lupus stamp. I'm going to be adding links over the next few days so be sure to check tomorrow or Wednesday for them. Then, please, check them out. There are a lot of people who are affected by Lupus but they just don't know that there are others out there who have been through what they are going through. They're not alone.
After deciding to wait until tomorrow to finish up the thank you cards, Chris and I left Mom's house and drove over to the graveyard. Until the insurance is settled, Mom and Dad have to wait to get Billy a really nice grave marker. For now there's a bronze temporary marker to mark his grave. Its funny that he's only been gone a day over 3 weeks and the grass over his grave has already started to take root and blend with the grass surrounding the grave. It's almost as if the ground had never been disturbed to begin with. I know better though. I know he's gone and where his body lies. Sometimes I still close my eyes at night and see him laying in the casket or him during his final moments. Chris thinks I'm rushing to "be okay" with things. He thinks I should take as long as I need to deal with the loss and trying to find my identity once again. I will forever be his sister but now I need to find out me without Billy as part of that identity. I started writing to him the other day. I was writing a letter to my sister in Texas and just decided to write him. I mentioned the fact I was writing him letters to a few people. They've encouraged me to keep doing it if it helps me to come to terms with things. One said I should try to write a letter each day or every other day for about a year. Then try to put it together in book form. I don't know about that. I know I want the world to know how wonderful Billy was but I don't know if that's the right way to go about it. Writing the letters has been helpful so far. I guess I'll keep doing them until I feel I don't need to any longer.
I'm still behind in emails and catching up my journal/blog. I shouldn't push myself to catch up but I'm trying to get into a new routine of sorts to get myself onto a schedule. Without the wonderful, loving and forgiving friends of mine, I wouldn't know what to do. There are moments when I'm so overwhelmed with my emotions and one of them will call me or I'll get something in the mail from them. You guys know who you are. Please know that I love you with my whole heart and I hope to someday repay you in love and kindness what you've given to me. Take care of yourselves.
Love and blessings,
Kim
posted by Kim @ 5:50 PM
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