Coming to Terms
It has been a really long time since I've posted here. To be honest, I've been avoiding this outlet for a while. I just know that I'm far more truthful here than in other part of my "online" life because this blog is another part of me. I talk as freely here as I would do if I were talking on the telephone. Part of me doesn't want to acknowledge the truth of recent events. To stay within the dark clouds of memories would be lovely and yet I'm pulled out of the clouds time and time again.
This time last week, my family had to let go and allow my brother, Billy, to pass from this earth into the next part of his journey. He was takne to the hospital a month ago because he was just so tired and couldn't breathe well. He was put into the Intensive Care Unit of our local hospital for observation. The next day my mother called me to ask if I would give her a ride out to the hospital earlier than the time we agreed upon the night before because the doctors were contemplating putting Billy onto the ventilator. Though it was a machine that we are very familiar with from years of past useage, we were worried about this time. Mom and I arrived just before they were getting ready to place Billy on the ventilator. I was able to talk to him for about twenty minutes. Then the doctors came, explained their reasons for putting Billy onto the ventilator, and he was put into a sort of medically induced coma so that he wouldn't fight the tube that they had to put down his throat and into his lungs. About nine days later, my family and I were faced with a harsh reality that we truly had been dreading for the past eleven and a half years. Billy developed pneumonia while on the ventilator, became septic because of a rampant infection within his body and began to show symptoms of a conditon called Adult (Acute) Respiratory Distress Syndrome. This was something that no one in our family had heard about before. Lupus and complications that come with it were nothing new to me or those in my family when it came to dealing with Billy's health. The doctor explained to us that this new diagnosis could affect anyone and the result was usually the lungs becoming hard like cardboard and unable to move. That allowed the carbon dioxide and other toxins to increase in number throughout the body. Without the help of the ventilator, a person would die.
Unfortunately, Billy wasn't getting much better. Because he was so weak and so sick, he required the ventilator, a 24 hour dialysis machine and feeding tubes just to survive. When his pulminologist returned from vacation, we learned the truth of the situation. Billy did have a choice. He could come off the ventilator, slip into sleep, and not wake up. Or he could have a tracheotomy done but his life would consist of the machines in another hospital or longterm care facility a long way from home. When the day of the decision came, Billy agreed to the trach at first. It was a decision that shocked both Mom and me. Billy had steadfastly said no to a trach for ten years. It was something he wouldn't consider ever, no matter if it would save him or not. As Mom and I stood in his ICU room, it dawned on both of us that Billy made that decision for us. He would suffer and be in intense pain so that those he loved would not suffer. The weight of that thought almost sent me to my knees. I remember gripping the rails of his bed as a nurse stood beside me. I asked him countless times if he was sure, if he was doing that for himself and not for us. I told him it was okay to be tired and want to go on to Heaven. My mother and father had done the same as well. I know that my other younger, Andy, had spent time alone with Billy and I'm sure he told Billy that it was okay to go as well.
It took Chris, my husband, coming to the hospital and talking to Billy, man to man, and the nurses who were close to Billy talking to him as well to let Billy know it was definitely okay for him to close his eyes and sleep forever. A few hours after he had said yes to the trach, the surgeon who would perform the surgery stepped into Billy's room. It was then that Billy said no. The nurse present as well as the surgeon asked him if he had changed his mind. Billy nodded that he had. He wanted to go to sleep and slip into Heaven to never hurt again. That was on a Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. On Thursday (11/23/06), my family and I went to visit Billy and spend as much time as possible with him. He was awake and writing notes to Mom and the other nurses. He truly wanted to have the ventilator turned off that day, but he agreed to wait until Friday morning. I remember Mom and Dad went home for the evening to take care of Dale, Billy's dog. Andy, Chris and I all stayed the night at the hospital. I knew that if I went home, I wouldn't wake up in enough time to come out to the hospital. So we camped out in the waiting room.
I honestly don't think I will forget the events of that morning for as long as I live. I checked on Billy a couple of times. Both times he was sleeping almost peacefully. Mom and Dad came in around 6am, a little upset that none of us had gone home except for themselves. That didn't last too long though. As the hour crept closer to when the doctor would have finished his rounds, I remember feeling so sick to my stomach. The nurse came out around 9am or so to tell my mom and dad that the dialysis machine needed to be changed and whether or not my parents wanted to go ahead and take Billy off the ventilator. The doctor gave his okay to everything that my parents wished. Soon we were ushered into Billy's ICU room. We all gathered around him just after the respiratory technician removed the ventilator. He was able to speak to us before he asked to be given the medication to go to sleep. As he slipped into sleep, we all waited. The nurse increased the medication every so often to ensure that Billy wasn't in pain. At 10:27 am, Billy took his last breath. We kissed him goodbye and clung to each other for a few minutes before leaving the room so that the nurses could clean him and remove the IVs and tubes.
I'm going to stop writing at this point today. I pushed myself to write this much because I didn't want to leave the story of Billy's last days unfinished, even a little bit. There's so much more that has happened in the past week or two that I will try and post again tomorrow. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. Please, hang in there with as I adjust to a new routine. If you get a moment, tell those you love just how much they mean to you. Tomorrow isn't promised to us.
Love and blessings,
Kim
This time last week, my family had to let go and allow my brother, Billy, to pass from this earth into the next part of his journey. He was takne to the hospital a month ago because he was just so tired and couldn't breathe well. He was put into the Intensive Care Unit of our local hospital for observation. The next day my mother called me to ask if I would give her a ride out to the hospital earlier than the time we agreed upon the night before because the doctors were contemplating putting Billy onto the ventilator. Though it was a machine that we are very familiar with from years of past useage, we were worried about this time. Mom and I arrived just before they were getting ready to place Billy on the ventilator. I was able to talk to him for about twenty minutes. Then the doctors came, explained their reasons for putting Billy onto the ventilator, and he was put into a sort of medically induced coma so that he wouldn't fight the tube that they had to put down his throat and into his lungs. About nine days later, my family and I were faced with a harsh reality that we truly had been dreading for the past eleven and a half years. Billy developed pneumonia while on the ventilator, became septic because of a rampant infection within his body and began to show symptoms of a conditon called Adult (Acute) Respiratory Distress Syndrome. This was something that no one in our family had heard about before. Lupus and complications that come with it were nothing new to me or those in my family when it came to dealing with Billy's health. The doctor explained to us that this new diagnosis could affect anyone and the result was usually the lungs becoming hard like cardboard and unable to move. That allowed the carbon dioxide and other toxins to increase in number throughout the body. Without the help of the ventilator, a person would die.
Unfortunately, Billy wasn't getting much better. Because he was so weak and so sick, he required the ventilator, a 24 hour dialysis machine and feeding tubes just to survive. When his pulminologist returned from vacation, we learned the truth of the situation. Billy did have a choice. He could come off the ventilator, slip into sleep, and not wake up. Or he could have a tracheotomy done but his life would consist of the machines in another hospital or longterm care facility a long way from home. When the day of the decision came, Billy agreed to the trach at first. It was a decision that shocked both Mom and me. Billy had steadfastly said no to a trach for ten years. It was something he wouldn't consider ever, no matter if it would save him or not. As Mom and I stood in his ICU room, it dawned on both of us that Billy made that decision for us. He would suffer and be in intense pain so that those he loved would not suffer. The weight of that thought almost sent me to my knees. I remember gripping the rails of his bed as a nurse stood beside me. I asked him countless times if he was sure, if he was doing that for himself and not for us. I told him it was okay to be tired and want to go on to Heaven. My mother and father had done the same as well. I know that my other younger, Andy, had spent time alone with Billy and I'm sure he told Billy that it was okay to go as well.
It took Chris, my husband, coming to the hospital and talking to Billy, man to man, and the nurses who were close to Billy talking to him as well to let Billy know it was definitely okay for him to close his eyes and sleep forever. A few hours after he had said yes to the trach, the surgeon who would perform the surgery stepped into Billy's room. It was then that Billy said no. The nurse present as well as the surgeon asked him if he had changed his mind. Billy nodded that he had. He wanted to go to sleep and slip into Heaven to never hurt again. That was on a Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. On Thursday (11/23/06), my family and I went to visit Billy and spend as much time as possible with him. He was awake and writing notes to Mom and the other nurses. He truly wanted to have the ventilator turned off that day, but he agreed to wait until Friday morning. I remember Mom and Dad went home for the evening to take care of Dale, Billy's dog. Andy, Chris and I all stayed the night at the hospital. I knew that if I went home, I wouldn't wake up in enough time to come out to the hospital. So we camped out in the waiting room.
I honestly don't think I will forget the events of that morning for as long as I live. I checked on Billy a couple of times. Both times he was sleeping almost peacefully. Mom and Dad came in around 6am, a little upset that none of us had gone home except for themselves. That didn't last too long though. As the hour crept closer to when the doctor would have finished his rounds, I remember feeling so sick to my stomach. The nurse came out around 9am or so to tell my mom and dad that the dialysis machine needed to be changed and whether or not my parents wanted to go ahead and take Billy off the ventilator. The doctor gave his okay to everything that my parents wished. Soon we were ushered into Billy's ICU room. We all gathered around him just after the respiratory technician removed the ventilator. He was able to speak to us before he asked to be given the medication to go to sleep. As he slipped into sleep, we all waited. The nurse increased the medication every so often to ensure that Billy wasn't in pain. At 10:27 am, Billy took his last breath. We kissed him goodbye and clung to each other for a few minutes before leaving the room so that the nurses could clean him and remove the IVs and tubes.
I'm going to stop writing at this point today. I pushed myself to write this much because I didn't want to leave the story of Billy's last days unfinished, even a little bit. There's so much more that has happened in the past week or two that I will try and post again tomorrow. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. Please, hang in there with as I adjust to a new routine. If you get a moment, tell those you love just how much they mean to you. Tomorrow isn't promised to us.
Love and blessings,
Kim
posted by Kim @ 9:28 PM
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