It's been a little over a week....

and I feel like I've been run over by a dump truck or two. But before I get into all that I have a couple of things I need to say. First, I want to say happy birthday to my Erika on the East Coast. I hope you have a wonderful, happy, and laughter and love filled day today, sweetheart. Eat an extra piece of cake for me, will ya?

The other thing I wanted to say before I went any further in updating was thank you to all the friends, family, and strangers that have been praying for my brother. Things are stable but critical right now which is sort of the reason why I'm here updating this blog after such a long period of time. Without all the prayers, I doubt that my family and I would have made it this far. I can feel the love and the strength from each of the prayers. So, thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

The past eleven days have been the most heartwrenching, amazing days of my life. From a writer's standpoint, the days have been filled with nearly every emotion possible. I've had moments when I've been sobbing, moments when I've laughed until my stomach hurt and then the dark moments when I just feel nothing at all. I have kept writing throughout the entire time. Not about things that have been going on with my brother, Billy, but on the project I've chosen for NaNoWriMo this year. It's looking more and more as though I won't finish this time around. But I think I'm doing excellent for handwriting the story in the hospital waiting room.

As I said before, lots of things have happened within the past eleven days. Billy has been making baby steps to the positive side of things. The hard test day will be tomorrow when the lung doctor takes him off the ventilator. Billy has come through being septic (infection throughout the bloodstream), having pneumonia, and now he's facing a new diagnosis of having Adult (Acute) Respriatory Distress Syndrome. That is where the lungs get really stiff, kinda like cardboard and won't allow the person to breathe in enough oxygen whenever they take a breath. The carbon dioxide begins to build up and the toxins begin to increase. That starts a whole list of things going wrong. It is something the body has to overcome on its own. There's no medicine or shot or pill that will make things reverse quickly. So it's a waiting game. A high stakes waiting game. Because of the number of times that Billy has been on the ventilator (this is number 18), he has scar tissue up and down his throat as well as within the lungs. The damage in the lungs has also been compounded by the Lupus and its flare-ups. So the doctors want him to have a tube directly into his trachea. That is something Billy has always been against. I'm not exactly sure as to why, but he doesn't want one. That much is plain. There are times when he'll say he does to my dad or to a few of the nurses. But he has told the doctors no and that's what matters. The lung doctor will have another conference with him and mom tomorrow just to be exactly sure of his wishes.

The worry isn't taking Billy off the ventilator. His body is ready for the tube to be taken out. However, there is a chance that his lungs and body will grow too tired on their own to continue to work without some assistance. That is why they are having discussions with about a trachea tube being put in or even putting him back onto the ventilator for another short period of time. He can't stay on the ventilator with the tube directly down his throat for the possible long period of time that is required for the ARDS to go away on its own because his throat will begin to erode and possibly collapse. Tomorrow if the doctor takes the ventilator off of Billy and he has trouble breathing, Billy has told a few doctors that he doesn't want to be put back on the ventilator nor does he want to have a trach tube put in. The other doctors have explained very plainly that if he doesn't have the trach or if he doesn't go back onto the ventilator should he need it, Billy will die and he understands that. He also make it very, very clear that should he have any trouble with heart or flatlines, the doctors and nurses can try to stabilize him with medication but they are not to try and resuscitate him with extraordinary measures. So tomorrow we basically find out if Billy is going to be with us for the holiday season and beyond or if we will making funeral arrangements.

With all that weighing down on my shoulders, my family has also had to deal with not one more, but two more deaths. A third cousin of mine on my mother's side of the family was found murdered I believe on Monday morning. Her boyfriend of six weeks allegedly (yes, I have to use this word although I believe him to be guilty already) beat her, strangled her hard enough to break her neck and stuffed her under her bed so that her six year-old child would be the one to find her. Apparently they had gotten into an argument, mostly likely over the fact that she was wanting to leave him. He says in his statement that he choked her to keep her from being loud enough to alert the neighbors. When she stopped moving, he checked for a pulse, found none, put her under her bed, and then drove to Indianapolis where he turned himself into the Sherriff Department. The Sherriff's Department contacted our local police who went to the house and verified that she indeed was dead. The trial starts next year in March. That courtroom will be packed. Then two days after finding all that had happened, we get news that my maternal great-grandmother passes away at her home in the arms of her daughter. Not that her death was unexpected, yet combined with everything else going on, it drove another stake through my heart. I was just beginning to get to know that side of my family and then she dies. I was surprised to learn that she was a direct descendant of Davey Crockett with the lineage papers to prove it. She also had a large family. 50 grandchildren, 22 great-grandchildren (I'm one of them) and 7 great-great-grandchildren. Not to mention the wives, husbands and stepchildren involved. That is going to be a job and a half to put into the family tree! The only really good thing that I have found within these deaths is the closeness we are experiencing with my maternal side of the family. It's never been a really close knit type of family to begin with. As I've begun to realize exactly who and what I am, it has been easier to let go of the little things and focus more and gathering those I love closer to me.

I stayed home from the hospital today. I figured that I needed some time away before they take Billy off the ventilator tomorrow. That way I can do some laundry and try to make peace with continuing my life should he leave this world. I sincerely hope that each of my friends out there realize that my love for them is unconditional and that it will never go away. Though I haven't been online as much as I used to be, that love has never waivered in the least little bit. So know that I love you and I think of you all often. Take care of yourselves. Do what makes you happy as long as it doesn't hurt you or others.

Love and blessings,
Kim