Denying Emotions

I really hate that I haven't been able to blog. I've been trying to write here or there but nothing has been on the schedule that I wanted to write. The weather has been a factor in my not keeping my posting here. The other reason is that once I start, I tend to ramble from one idea or topic to the next. I think it's a way that I evade what's really going on inside me. I don't know if I can overcome that or if it's just something I will always do. Either way, it doesn't change the fact that with this weather, I haven't been able to move very well at all. It was near 60 degrees F, then dropping down in the 20s. A few days later, the temperature would be back up again. The wonderful weatherman says that it will be down in the 10s or lower in the next few days as an arctic front comes through. We have snow on the ground and the possibility of more. So who knows what the future holds? All that aside, I am hopeful to keep posting. That means that it may be a long, winded diatribe about whatever or just a few lines to say that I'm alive. If I am ever going to get back into the groove of writing, I'm going to have to make myself write.



As I said, I've had a lot of difficulties this past week or so that I've been unable to post here. First, I was having a lot of problems with my right hand being stiff and tender. Trying to type was a nightmare. A couple days later and the left hand began to do the same thing. Throughout this, I started having a really sharp pain in my left side. Apparently my diverticulitis decided to act up. Mr Fibro made an appearance so he wouldn't be forgotten and left me stiff, sore and in much pain. I think Pain has become my most constant companion nowadays anyway. Whether the pain is physical or emotional, it's still here with me. Right now, I keeping on my happy mask because I don't want to deal with pain I'm feeling. I know I should deal with things as they come, but I don't really want to face this again. What am I trying to avoid? Celebrating my birthday without my brother. His birthday is the day after mine. We'd always have them celebrated together because it was easier on my family that way. After so many years of celebrating them together, it's so weird to now have the birthday all to myself. Instead of making plans to have a celebration, plans are being made to go to the graveyard. It just seems surreal to me. I want to celebrate the life Billy had and I want to make a positive impact on those who are suffering as he did. I look at his picture or see something he was interested in. It all reminds me of what could have been. That makes me sad. So I put it in a little box and slip it behind all the other boxes that I don't want to deal with at the moment. Of course, a natural reaction but those boxes are starting to pile up.

Today was a bed day. My side and hands are really bothering me. It's taking me forever to type this and I know my hands are going to be hurting once I'm completely done. I am working my way through my emails and stuff once again. Whenever I start to get back on a schedule of stuff, I get stuck in the bed so things back up again. Never ending! There are a few other things on my mind, but I'll have to work them out here later.

Hope today was a good day for you all.
Love and blessings,
Kim