Warm and Summery...

I'm trying to get myself back into the swing of things, so to speak. I don't know why but I just haven't wanted to update in a long while. I have been on the internet to check my emails and respond to a few of them but I haven't been here to do updates as I should have. I know I'm not alone in this feeling. A few of my friends who also keep blogs are feeling the same way. Could it be the summer weather making us spend time away? Or is it something more? I'm not too sure. I have been swamped as of late with the need to work on my writing. Yes, I mean need. It's not something I can put off when it reaches the need stage. There's a constant feeling of something missing until I sit down and put pen to paper. I have tried using the computer to work on some of my writings but nothing makes the feeling go away except for using good old fashioned pens and paper. I've been in a dark mode of writing. It's not been a happy-go-lucky type of writing mood either. It's been very dark and filled with hurt and pain. I guess I'm putting the physical pain I have been overwhelmed with the last few days into whatever I'm writing. Some of it even scares me that it would enter my mind. And yet, I'm glad that it's come out in a story, not played out in real life.

Today I wasn't at home very much. Chris and I were invited to a birthday for one of our good friends' little boys. He turns one and so it was a fairly big thing. It was held in a local park where we also have SCA fighter practice. Kind of a two for one thing. They had a cook-out with all the trimmings as well as cake for dessert. We had only been there for about thirty minutes or so when Chris taps me on the shoulder and points to a car going down the road. He asked me, "Isn't that Billy's car?" I looked up and sure enough, it was my brother. The brother that just got out of the hospital a week ago. I was so thrilled but also a little worried that he had just gone off and gotten in his car without letting my mom know he was doing it. Luckily, he drove around the park, heading back in my direction so I was able to flag him down. He was out driving around because he wanted to get out of the house. It made me so happy to hear those words! It's been a really long time since he's wanted to get out and do anything. He was actually trying to find my house when he came down toward the park. I hopped in the car to ride with him and show him the way to our house. It wasn't that far away. So now he knows where my house is and can work on getting strong enough to walk up the walkway and up the few stairs to come and visit. Then he dropped me back off at the park. He headed on home but I was so happy. That is a huge accomplishment for him. I'm super proud of him.

We had lots of fun as well. It was hot but there was a lot of shade to sit under to watch the SCA members practice their fighting and enjoy the company of friends. I knew a few people there although I got to meet some new ones as well. I have a hard time with large groups of people because of my weight and the arthritis thing. But I'm also trying very hard to get past those feelings that have kept me locked away in my house or even in my room for so long. I want to get out and enjoy things. I just have to take it a few steps at a time. Besides I don't have a lot of excuses when it comes to my friend, Danny. Lol, she'll have none of them unless I'm in a lot of pain. I'm glad I've got her to pull me out. Hopefully I can break through the few walls I have left and be more at peace with just going over to someone's house and enjoying my time with them. I still even feel so self-conscious with people who have known me most of my life. Old friends from school, people I used to work with. Doesn't matter. I still feel as though they are going to be disgusted with what I look like now and also draw away from me because of the arthritis. Lots of days I feel like a monster. I know it's okay to have some of those days. The friends who have driven through the walls in my mind love me no matter what. I love them very much for it.

For now, I'm off to finish a few things on the net. I might work on a few writings but more than likely, I'll just be around. Hope everyone enjoys themselves with the upcoming 4th of July holiday here in the States. Take care of yourselves and be safe!

Love and blessings,
Kim