Hanging onto faith

That's all that is keeping me going right now. So much has been literally dumped onto my lap in the past few months that the feeling I've been having here as of late is to cry. I know that there will be a way to get through all the bills that are piling up, the family issues that need time to resolve themselves as well as the pain and hurt that I'm going through. But I need a break, a vacation with only good things surrounding me for a few days so that the bad times won't seem so bad. It's horrible to be stuck in the position of not being able to work and yet feeling as though you'd swallow whatever pain, whatever damage is done just to make ends meet. This is definitely one of those days where I wish above all things that I didn't have to deal with the arthritis or the psoriasis in any way, shape or form. Don't get me wrong. This isn't a pity party type of post. But rather, I'd like to be able to not worry about things and give Chris the extra time he needs to get well so that he won't have to work through the intense pain he's been in for the past few weeks. I hate seeing him leave for work with pain filling his eyes. What else can I do? I was declared disabled for a reason. Even the rheumy has said that if I were to go back to a job where I was made to stand or use my hands for long periods of time, the damage could shorten the time I have before I need to use a wheelchair or walker. Yet, I wish I could do more than just sit here at home and try to do housework that takes me almost all day to do. It's these days that I feel completely useless and I wonder what my purpose is on this earth.

Chris is still in pain but the orthopedic doctor seems to think that maybe the hurt is being caused by the muscles in his back and not something to do with the bones. So tomorrow Chris begins physical therapy to see if that works. He'll go for that three times a week for the next couple of weeks. Then we'll see the orthopedic doctor again to see if Chris needs to continue or if we need to look in a different route for the answers. I'm so proud of him for going into work even though the pain's been really bad. I know it has because I can see it in his eyes. But he still gets up and pushes himself to go so that we won't have to worry about insurance or other things. He only worked half a shift last night because the early doctor appointments and not sleeping well started to get to him. Tonight he's working the full shift. I so extremely proud of him for making it through the full 8 hours. I pray that he will only continue to get better.

As for me, I've been in a lot of pain as of late. The weather here has decided that it will start out very cool in the morning, heat up a few hours later, and then drop back down into the cool region again. So I know that winter will be making itself known soon. This is the time of year that I have the most trouble. Couple that with the fact that I'm no longer on Enbrel and only taking an older arthritis medication, I know I'm going to have more trouble than usual. I have been writing a lot lately. Some of it has been the beginnings of stories, but I've also been working on a few of the completed novels as well. I'm trying to re-write them so they sound more realistic. Hopefully that's what I'm achieving. The only other thing I've been doing has been reading. I just feel a need to sit down with a book. In truth, I haven't watched much tv the past few days. I've turned on the satellite music station and read. I don't even remember what number I'm up to in my reading goal for the year. Lol, I'll have to check that out the next time I enter the next book's information into my computer.

There's so many people that I love and care for that are going through rough times. I feel guilty for not being able to help them or give them something more than a kind word or a shoulder to cry on. Please know that I do love you, my friends, and I wish that good things come to you all. Take care.

Love and blessings,
Kim