Thoughts On My Mind

For the past few days, I've been really sentimental about things. I'm not really sure as to why, but every single time I have looked at something, heard a bit of a song, or smelled something familiar, it's led me to thinking about the past. Now, I'm fully aware that I'm unable to change the past in any way, shape or form. Yet, it doesn't stop me from thinking about it. The other day I was sitting on the front porch while my dog, Dudley, was playing in the front yard. It was one of those rare days in the Fall here when the temperature was nice and the breezes weren't too cool. I saw a little old lady walking down the sidewalk, her arm linked through that of a man who looked old enough to be her grandson. For whatever reason it reminded me of Chris's grandmother. I truly can not believe that she has been gone for almost three years. It doesn't seem fair that time should pass so quickly by. His grandmother was one of the few people who accepted me for who I was without question, even if I didn't know who I was at the time. She showed me unconditional love and often sat talking to me about the "old" days. She was never afraid to speak her mind or to say exactly what she thought of someone when she thought it. If that person didn't like what she had to say, they had two choices. They could change their behavior or just get over it and go on about their lives. Many, many times she asked me when I was going to gather enough courage to stand up for myself, to family members or friends. I was only allowed to have eight wonderful years with this woman in my life and I constantly regret the fact that I didn't get to spend more time with her. If she was around now, I'm sure that things would be a bit different with the family. To be honest, after her passing, the family sort of fell apart. It was as though she was the center and now that she's no longer here, everything fell into clumps. Though I really wish she was still here on the earth with us, I wouldn't want her to suffer any longer than what she did.

There have been moments in the past couple of days where I've been wondering about people I knew from school or work. It seems like an eternity since I was able to have a job like a regular person. I almost can't remember what it's like to have to get ready for work and be clocked in before my shift. There are several people that I worked with who are now doing so well and are well educated and traveled. It sorta makes me feel as though I'm some country bumpkin who wouldn't hold a candle next to any of these people. There are a lot of things that I wish I could have done differently. I would have finished going to college and gotten a degree, even if it was something as boring as accounting. I would have done more with my writing before now. But you know what? I can't change the way things have gone. I could still go to college and get a degree and I can still do something with my writing. I wish that I could let go of the hurtful things and focus on the good things that have happened in my past.

I haven't written about my rheumy appointment yet. I'm not too sure why I haven't either. I think it just got lost in the shuffle of things that I wanted to talk about because the appointment really didn't have anything exciting in it. I talked to the rheumy about my choices for controlling the arthritis and levels of inflammation in my body. Unfortunately there is a chance that my taking the Enbrel was during a time when the blood clot was already in my lung. However, he doesn't feel safe in letting me use the Enbrel until he goes to a conference and learns more information about the drug and whether or not it contributes to blood clots. I understand that, but I want to have my life back. Enbrel was my miracle drug. It did so much and gave me a sense of freedom and normalcy that I haven't found since. There are several new areas that he documented as being "under attack" by the inflammation. I had some xrays done of my hands that did show my arthritis is progressively getting worse in both hands. We discussed the fact that the Salsalate does hurt my stomach. He gave me a script for some stomach medicine akin to Prilosec to take before I eat breakfast and take my medicine. The last thing was getting a cortisone shot in my right hand. Now, I don't mind shots. I really don't. But when they go sticking a needle into a small joint like that of my pinkie finger and injecting a couple cc's of medicine in it, that freaking hurts! It's not a stabbing pain but more of a pressure pain that is only relieved with time as the medication fights the inflammation and all within the joint. I was told to increase my dose of Salsalate whenever the inflammation seems to be on the increase and also to increase my dose of Ultram at night for a little while to see if it helps with the leg pain. If I feel uncomfortable at any time with the leg pain or it doesn't get better, then I am to go to the family doctor or the ER if necessary. I go back to the rheumy in January to see how I'm doing and whether or not I want to chance the Enbrel later. So we'll have to wait and see a bit. I'm really going to try and give the Salsalate a chance. I know it does work but it doesn't work on the Psoriasis part of my arthritis like the Enbrel did.

I'm really upset and worried about an online friend of mine. She's definitely been through the wringer in the last couple of years. She's lost family members to cancer and has been the victim of a cruel hoax involving one of her other online friends. With everything falling down around her, it seems she just wants to give up. I just ask that you say a little prayer for "K" as she goes through this rough time. I wasn't affected by some of the things she's dealing with because I wasn't that close to some of the people who have wronged her. But she is my friend and to know that people are being cruel to her when she's done everything she could to care for them really makes me angry. I'm as caring and understanding as some, have more patience than others, but I can not tolerate people being mean just to push others away or for fun. I know that other friends are having some rough times with family members being sick. It just seems like a dark period of time for everyone. I hope and pray that we all hang in there. I want "K" and the other friends of mine to know that I'm always here if you need me. Many of you have ways to contact me if you need to. You're always in my thoughts.

Love and blessings,
Kim