Happy New Year
I hope everyone had a happy time during New Year's. My own celebration was a somber one. I dreaded midnight coming around because I couldn't make time stop so I wouldn't celebrate a new year without my brother, Billy. I thought maybe, if we could not let the clock keep ticking, I wouldn't have to face the firsts that come along with not having Billy around. Days that are important will now be tinged with sadness. The first birthday without him. The first Easter. The first whatever. It will all be sadder than usual. I'm dreading my birthday as it comes in the next couple of weeks. After Billy was born, Mom would usually celebrate our days at the same time. It was just cheaper and easier than to have separate parties. Many times I wanted separate parties just because I didn't want to have to share as I was growing up. I wanted recognition of my own day. I know he did too at times. What I would give to have another chance to share a birthday with him. I wish I could.
The new year marks a change in my life. I have been trying to discover who I am and what I'm supposed to be in this lifetime, something I'm sure that all of us have done a some moment in our lives. Now the dynamic I had gotten settled before Billy's death has all been thrown into a blender and pulsed a few times. I'm still a daughter, a sister, a wife, a cousin and other titles. But is it right that I still consider myself a sister to Billy? Should I disregard over 20 years of wearing that title? I know that in some ways I will have to let go of it and then in some ways I will wear it proudly. It seems as though it's a constant battle. I guess it's up to me whether I see myself as something or not. Just seems odd not to say that I'm his sister when I talk about myself. Often times I wonder if my parents and Andy, my younger brother, aren't going through the same things. Do they still seem themselves as they once were? Did they toss away the title of "something" to Billy as well? This year will be a year in which our family comes close and redefines itself or we will scatter and lose ourselves. I pray and hope that it's not the latter.
The weather here still doesn't feel as though it's winter time around here. It's warm during the day and dropping low at night which doesn't really help with the swelling much. In fact, it kinda makes things worse for me. I had wanted to go over to Mom's several times last week, but wasn't able to because I couldn't get a shower without too much pain or by the time I finished getting ready, I was exhausted. Of course, my mom would tell me not to worry about coming over if I didn't feel like I could. Yet I know that I can't spend every moment in this house. I've done that before and almost went nuts because of it. I am going to use some of my Christmas money to buy a bicycle. I will have to wear gloves because the skin on my hands is really tender but I want to get out more. In fact, Chris and I bought a house gym so that I can do some exercises here without feeling too bad. I know I won't drop 50 pounds and look like a movie star in the first thirty days of using it. But if it gets me healthier and helps to take some of the pain away, I'll try it. I have been watching what I eat and not letting myself just sit and eat all the time. So maybe with the good weather and some exercising, I'll not have so many days of swelling and pain. That would be awesome.
Today is the day when I also set my goals for the year. I know that there will be events that I have no control over, but if I never try to do anything, then I can never have the opportunity to succeed either. So, for the year 2007, I will like to achieve the following;
*Read 100 books by December 31st.
*Write 3 complete novels.
*Finish editing current novel.
*Research guidelines for novel submissions.
*Get healthier.
*Finish craft projects (afghan and 5 cross-stitch projects).
Those are the few goals I'm setting for myself. I know that I could possibly put more for myself to do but I'm not going to set myself up to fail on purpose anymore. If I get through these goals, then whatever I do is extra and I will be so proud of myself. But this is where I'm setting the bar this year. I have started writing in my journal again. I stopped just a few days before Billy was taken to the hospital. I had written each day up to that point last year. I am going to start again and write the entire year this year. I write for as long as my hands allow me because I have so much to get out. Most of the time it's about Billy, about things that other people tire of hearing over and over. That's not saying that I won't mention him from time to time here, in conversations, or in letters. He was a very large part of my life and he will continue to be until I stop breathing on this earth. For now I'm off to finish catching up emails. I have a small routine that I'm trying to keep to if at all possible. Take care of yourselves out there.
Love and blessings,
Kim
The new year marks a change in my life. I have been trying to discover who I am and what I'm supposed to be in this lifetime, something I'm sure that all of us have done a some moment in our lives. Now the dynamic I had gotten settled before Billy's death has all been thrown into a blender and pulsed a few times. I'm still a daughter, a sister, a wife, a cousin and other titles. But is it right that I still consider myself a sister to Billy? Should I disregard over 20 years of wearing that title? I know that in some ways I will have to let go of it and then in some ways I will wear it proudly. It seems as though it's a constant battle. I guess it's up to me whether I see myself as something or not. Just seems odd not to say that I'm his sister when I talk about myself. Often times I wonder if my parents and Andy, my younger brother, aren't going through the same things. Do they still seem themselves as they once were? Did they toss away the title of "something" to Billy as well? This year will be a year in which our family comes close and redefines itself or we will scatter and lose ourselves. I pray and hope that it's not the latter.
The weather here still doesn't feel as though it's winter time around here. It's warm during the day and dropping low at night which doesn't really help with the swelling much. In fact, it kinda makes things worse for me. I had wanted to go over to Mom's several times last week, but wasn't able to because I couldn't get a shower without too much pain or by the time I finished getting ready, I was exhausted. Of course, my mom would tell me not to worry about coming over if I didn't feel like I could. Yet I know that I can't spend every moment in this house. I've done that before and almost went nuts because of it. I am going to use some of my Christmas money to buy a bicycle. I will have to wear gloves because the skin on my hands is really tender but I want to get out more. In fact, Chris and I bought a house gym so that I can do some exercises here without feeling too bad. I know I won't drop 50 pounds and look like a movie star in the first thirty days of using it. But if it gets me healthier and helps to take some of the pain away, I'll try it. I have been watching what I eat and not letting myself just sit and eat all the time. So maybe with the good weather and some exercising, I'll not have so many days of swelling and pain. That would be awesome.
Today is the day when I also set my goals for the year. I know that there will be events that I have no control over, but if I never try to do anything, then I can never have the opportunity to succeed either. So, for the year 2007, I will like to achieve the following;
*Read 100 books by December 31st.
*Write 3 complete novels.
*Finish editing current novel.
*Research guidelines for novel submissions.
*Get healthier.
*Finish craft projects (afghan and 5 cross-stitch projects).
Those are the few goals I'm setting for myself. I know that I could possibly put more for myself to do but I'm not going to set myself up to fail on purpose anymore. If I get through these goals, then whatever I do is extra and I will be so proud of myself. But this is where I'm setting the bar this year. I have started writing in my journal again. I stopped just a few days before Billy was taken to the hospital. I had written each day up to that point last year. I am going to start again and write the entire year this year. I write for as long as my hands allow me because I have so much to get out. Most of the time it's about Billy, about things that other people tire of hearing over and over. That's not saying that I won't mention him from time to time here, in conversations, or in letters. He was a very large part of my life and he will continue to be until I stop breathing on this earth. For now I'm off to finish catching up emails. I have a small routine that I'm trying to keep to if at all possible. Take care of yourselves out there.
Love and blessings,
Kim
posted by Kim @ 6:17 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home