I'm Back
Sorry for the long break between posts. I have been online but I just haven't been able to gather all my thoughts into a coherent post. I did a lot of rambling like posts but ended up deleting them because I didn't want others to see them here. This is my place to provide relevant information concerning diseases and ailments that affect many of my friends and family members as well as a place to provide inspiration to others that no matter what you're going through, it can get better and you can make a difference in those around you. I don't want to create confusion even though that's really what's going through my mind a lot of the time. But enough of the apology section. Let's move on to what I've been up to for the past couple of weeks.
The last time I posted, I was getting ready to celebrate my birthday, the big 3-0 one. That Friday was an awesome day. It really was. Even though it wasn't much by some people's standards, I loved every second of that day. I went over to my parent's house. Chris dropped me off before he went to work. Of course, he woke me up singing "Happy Birthday". I thought that was sweet. Okay, I'm mushy, I know. I hung out with my mom and little Dale, their dog. It's pretty cool. Once my dad got home from work, we all hopped into the Jeep and off we went. First stop was a jewelry store. All I really wanted for my birthday this year was a locket that I could put pictures of my brothers inside so that I could have them with me always. I have to be careful about what type of jewelry I wear because I'm allergic to nickel, so I can't wear gold or silver plated things. They have to be good quality gold, sterling silver, or platinum. The jewelry store didn't have many lockets available right then, but they had a book where I could pick one I wanted and have it ordered. It only took a minute or two looking through the different styles to find the one that called out to me the most. I found a sterling silver heart-shaped locket that held an inlay made of mother-of-pearl. The inlay was blue and white with an angel sitting on a cloud with his head resting on his hand as though he was thinking about something. I knew that was the one that I wanted. Mom put in the order for it as well as one for a chain so that I could wear it everyday. Then it was off to get some dinner. Mom and Dad took me out to eat, something that hasn't been done in forever that I can remember. I had a lot of fun eating dinner with them because it was like seeing my parents as people and not just parents. Then I came home and just rested. A quiet birthday really. I was doing really well emotionally until the night grew closer to midnight. I was a little upset before because quite a few people that I counted as really close friends didn't even bother to acknowledge my birthday. I got wishes from those that truly loved me and it really meant a lot to me. There were a few people that I knew would wish me belated birthday wishes due to work schedule and all, but the majority of those I thought were my close friends didn't do squat. It really made me stop and think about just how much I pour of myself, my love and my closeness as well as always trying to be ther for everyone, into the friendships that I have. I sat back and took stock in those friendships of mine. I'm sorry to say that a few of them will be ended soon because the people only talk to me when they want something or attention. They're not true friends. I don't have time or the energy to put up with them.
Once midnight came and the day turned into the 20th of January, I did breakdown some. I cried myself to sleep in Chris' arms. All these firsts without Billy around are really more painful than I thought they were going to be. I mean, in a way, it's just like a baby's firsts except that we're not celebrating each little achievement. Rather, we're grieving over the loss. A wonderful friend from my PA support group reminded me that once the hoopla of everything was over and I had to sit through the quiet times, that's when it would be tough. But I shouldn't be so hard on myself and let myself grieve when I need to and to cry when I need to. Actually, I'll admit that I had quite a few friends tell me exactly that in the past few weeks. Around 2pm, my mom and dad, Chris, Andy and I all went to one of the local florist shops to pick up 27 white balloons and a couple of balloons that read Happy Birthday on them. Then we travelled to the cemetary. Mom held up a lot better than I thought she was going to. We each took some of the white balloons and once Mom finished saying something to Billy, we released them. Instead of scattering with the wind, all 27 of the balloons stayed together. At one point, they even formed the number 1. Next year when we release them, Mom and I are going to put little notes on them. We had talked about doing it this year but when the day finally came, she couldn't bring herself to do it. But I think that the balloon release will become some sort of tradition for as long as Mom and Dad are able to afford it. I know that when the gravestone is set in place, there will be something called an eternal flame put beside it. It's a container where we can keep a candle burning continuously and will not be removed when the cemetary does their cleanings. After we did the balloon release, Mom and Dad went home because Mom was having a hard time. I think Dad was too but he's not the sort of person who would admit it. Andy, Chris and I took a small road trip up to see Andy's apartment that he shares with his wrestling partner, Jimmy. We hung out for just a little bit before we drove back to town where we picked up another friend before going out to eat to celebrate Billy. I had tried to organize a big get-together but things just didn't work out that way. Either people were working or there just weren't enough time to plan. I'm just going to plan something big for next year.
Last week I had a very bad week emotionally. I went through many days where I pretended to be this happy, bubbly person to just about everyone I spoke to but when I was alone, I broke down. I was angry and crying and just wanted to smack Billy around for not doing the things he should have been doing to get healthier. I felt guilty for not going over to their house and trying harder to get him to get out of that chair to do something. Now, I know that I'm no angel when it comes to getting up and doing things. But this has really made me open my eyes to a lot of things. One of them being that I need to stop sitting so much and do something to get this weight off. I don't want others to be upset that I didn't try. Towards the end of the week last week, I began to see that I can have moments where I miss Billy and I can stop to think about him but I need to keep going with my life. I will always be sister to Billy but I now need to find out who Kim is as an individual. The reason for me staying here and not chasing my dreams to the fullest extent of my ability is gone. So step by step, I'm going to chase that dream of mine.
Well, I guess I poured out everything for now. I'm going to go and get my emails checked so I won't be so behind. Hope all is well with my friends and loved ones.
Love and blessings,
Kim
The last time I posted, I was getting ready to celebrate my birthday, the big 3-0 one. That Friday was an awesome day. It really was. Even though it wasn't much by some people's standards, I loved every second of that day. I went over to my parent's house. Chris dropped me off before he went to work. Of course, he woke me up singing "Happy Birthday". I thought that was sweet. Okay, I'm mushy, I know. I hung out with my mom and little Dale, their dog. It's pretty cool. Once my dad got home from work, we all hopped into the Jeep and off we went. First stop was a jewelry store. All I really wanted for my birthday this year was a locket that I could put pictures of my brothers inside so that I could have them with me always. I have to be careful about what type of jewelry I wear because I'm allergic to nickel, so I can't wear gold or silver plated things. They have to be good quality gold, sterling silver, or platinum. The jewelry store didn't have many lockets available right then, but they had a book where I could pick one I wanted and have it ordered. It only took a minute or two looking through the different styles to find the one that called out to me the most. I found a sterling silver heart-shaped locket that held an inlay made of mother-of-pearl. The inlay was blue and white with an angel sitting on a cloud with his head resting on his hand as though he was thinking about something. I knew that was the one that I wanted. Mom put in the order for it as well as one for a chain so that I could wear it everyday. Then it was off to get some dinner. Mom and Dad took me out to eat, something that hasn't been done in forever that I can remember. I had a lot of fun eating dinner with them because it was like seeing my parents as people and not just parents. Then I came home and just rested. A quiet birthday really. I was doing really well emotionally until the night grew closer to midnight. I was a little upset before because quite a few people that I counted as really close friends didn't even bother to acknowledge my birthday. I got wishes from those that truly loved me and it really meant a lot to me. There were a few people that I knew would wish me belated birthday wishes due to work schedule and all, but the majority of those I thought were my close friends didn't do squat. It really made me stop and think about just how much I pour of myself, my love and my closeness as well as always trying to be ther for everyone, into the friendships that I have. I sat back and took stock in those friendships of mine. I'm sorry to say that a few of them will be ended soon because the people only talk to me when they want something or attention. They're not true friends. I don't have time or the energy to put up with them.
Once midnight came and the day turned into the 20th of January, I did breakdown some. I cried myself to sleep in Chris' arms. All these firsts without Billy around are really more painful than I thought they were going to be. I mean, in a way, it's just like a baby's firsts except that we're not celebrating each little achievement. Rather, we're grieving over the loss. A wonderful friend from my PA support group reminded me that once the hoopla of everything was over and I had to sit through the quiet times, that's when it would be tough. But I shouldn't be so hard on myself and let myself grieve when I need to and to cry when I need to. Actually, I'll admit that I had quite a few friends tell me exactly that in the past few weeks. Around 2pm, my mom and dad, Chris, Andy and I all went to one of the local florist shops to pick up 27 white balloons and a couple of balloons that read Happy Birthday on them. Then we travelled to the cemetary. Mom held up a lot better than I thought she was going to. We each took some of the white balloons and once Mom finished saying something to Billy, we released them. Instead of scattering with the wind, all 27 of the balloons stayed together. At one point, they even formed the number 1. Next year when we release them, Mom and I are going to put little notes on them. We had talked about doing it this year but when the day finally came, she couldn't bring herself to do it. But I think that the balloon release will become some sort of tradition for as long as Mom and Dad are able to afford it. I know that when the gravestone is set in place, there will be something called an eternal flame put beside it. It's a container where we can keep a candle burning continuously and will not be removed when the cemetary does their cleanings. After we did the balloon release, Mom and Dad went home because Mom was having a hard time. I think Dad was too but he's not the sort of person who would admit it. Andy, Chris and I took a small road trip up to see Andy's apartment that he shares with his wrestling partner, Jimmy. We hung out for just a little bit before we drove back to town where we picked up another friend before going out to eat to celebrate Billy. I had tried to organize a big get-together but things just didn't work out that way. Either people were working or there just weren't enough time to plan. I'm just going to plan something big for next year.
Last week I had a very bad week emotionally. I went through many days where I pretended to be this happy, bubbly person to just about everyone I spoke to but when I was alone, I broke down. I was angry and crying and just wanted to smack Billy around for not doing the things he should have been doing to get healthier. I felt guilty for not going over to their house and trying harder to get him to get out of that chair to do something. Now, I know that I'm no angel when it comes to getting up and doing things. But this has really made me open my eyes to a lot of things. One of them being that I need to stop sitting so much and do something to get this weight off. I don't want others to be upset that I didn't try. Towards the end of the week last week, I began to see that I can have moments where I miss Billy and I can stop to think about him but I need to keep going with my life. I will always be sister to Billy but I now need to find out who Kim is as an individual. The reason for me staying here and not chasing my dreams to the fullest extent of my ability is gone. So step by step, I'm going to chase that dream of mine.
Well, I guess I poured out everything for now. I'm going to go and get my emails checked so I won't be so behind. Hope all is well with my friends and loved ones.
Love and blessings,
Kim
posted by Kim @ 4:03 PM
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