Emotions ~ Can't live with them, can't live without them

Today was a sleepy day for me. I couldn't sleep last night. I have a hard time sleeping when no one else is home with me. Chris had to work late so did the housemates. Therefore I locked up the house and sat in the bed. I wrote out the last of the thank you notes from the Christmas gifts, making sure get them stamped before I felt too sleepy. Then I took my hour of writing in my journal. I haven't been writing in it like I should be and I have a lot to backtrack over. I wish I had been in the right state of mind to write during the few weeks of Billy being in the hospital and then after his passing. From a writer's standpoint, I was seeing things. I mean that I was conscious of every detail as though I was detached and looking at it from outside myself. It was kind of an odd feeling. I can't change the fact I didn't write everything down now, but I'm doing my best to write as much as I can remember. Last night as I was writing, I started to get really, really angry. I really don't know what triggered that feeling. All I know is that I got mad. Then I realized I was mad at Billy. Mad at him for leaving us at only 26 years old. Mad at him for not getting up and moving around. Mad at him for not doing the things that doctors wanted him to do early on in his treatments for Lupus. I don't know if his listening would have made a difference but I was mad that we wouldn't have the opportunity to see if it would have worked. I forced myself to stay awake until Chris got off work. I didn't badger him right when he got home but waited for a little bit before asking him if it was okay to be angry. I didn't want to think that I shouldn't be mad. I'm not just mad at him. I'm mad at myself for not pestering him to get him out of the stupid blue, chair. If I had made myself do more, maybe he would have done some things as well. It just boils down to the fact he's gone. I want him here. I miss him so much that even now, almost two months after his death, I see him as I close my eyes. Last night I wasn't able to sleep at all. I finally laid down around 730 am this morning.

I woke up briefly when Chris got up to get ready for work. Then I slept for a while longer. I really didn't wake up until about 4 pm or so. My day's started pretty late but I hope to get everything I want done. Besides, there's a weather front moving through the state. That makes me swollen and owie as well. So I'm kinda stuck at the moment. Well, stuck at the computer. For the record, I am making the best of things by checking through emails and listening to my podcasts. I have so many that I want to listen to that it will take weeks before I get through all the archived podcasts of just a few of the ones I've subscribed to. I have a lot of podcasts that have to do with writing and genres of writing but there are a few that are for the geekiness of myself. I just might put up a list of podcast websites on the side. Just not sure yet. That will lead to republishing the blog and I don't want to do that for just one or two changes. So I think it would be wise to wait until I find the full list and then I won't have to keep changing things. That's sort of the reason why I haven't added any new links for the Arthritis Foundation or other support groups at the moment. Which leads to my next bit of thinking news, I thinking very seriously about starting a support group for Lupus down here in our state. There isn't anything for Lupus that I'm aware of here in the southern part of Indiana. My mother and I have been talking about doing something to raise awareness of Lupus and related diseases. This is a great start. I was able to get in touch with the wonderful woman who is head of the Northwestern Chapter of the National Lupus Foundation. We discussed some of the ideas that Mom and I had been thinking over. The woman sent me a package of information to read over and think about whether or not I want to do something of that nature. We'll have to see what Mom says. I don't want to do it alone if I don't have to.

It's getting late, so I'm going to end this post for now. I have a few more things to take care of on the computer and then I need to get busy with the writing. I have a few great friends who are also dealing with the death of a young person who was dear to their hearts. I had the wonderful opportunity to have had some internet messenger conversations with him months before his passing. I'm sorry I didn't have the chance to get closer to him. But I want those who loved him to know that I keep you in my thoughts and pray that comfort comes to you when you need it the most. Take care out there.

Love and blessings,
Kim