One more day

My favorite holiday is almost here! One more day and it will be All Hallow's Eve, aka Halloween. It's also the day before the new year in some Wiccan and Pagan religions. All together, it's just a very fun and wonderful holiday when who you are doesn't matter and you can be someone else if you want to. Dressing up has been a favorite of mine, but this year isn't one that I'll be in costume. Just can do it physically. So I don't know what I'm going to be doing. Lol, more than likely it'll be something small. Since moving into this house, I've been able to do my rememberance ceremony every year and I will continue the tradition by doing it again this year. I make a meal, usually a roast with vegetables, a small salad and something for dessert, and set an extra place setting on a special table lined with a nice table cloth. Around the plate, I put pictures of friends and family that I have lost over the years. I light a white candle and fix the plate just as I would if they were here to eat with me. It just makes me feel better about them being gone but not forgotten as well as celebrating the wonderful memories I have of those who have passed away. Unfortunately, there will be a new photograph added to the circle this year. Always sad for me.

The past few weeks have been really bad for me as far as pain and stiffness goes. I have gotten a bit used to the constant pain but there are moments when I just break down and cry because this isn't living the day to the fullest. I've not been able to even do the small amount of household upkeep that I used to be able to do. I have seen my patches of psoriasis get worse and worse with each day. It's almost as though I'm becoming some sort of creature instead of living as a human. It makes me worry if I'll even be able to care for myself in the next five or ten years. Chris and I have talked realistically about the future and what preparations we'll need to take to make the house accessible for me when I get worse. But being only 29 years old (almost 30), I don't want to have a plan of action to put in a wheelchair ramp or handicap seat for the shower. Yes, I know it will help me, but it's frustrating to think of those I graduated school with who are being able to run, jump, play basketball or just walk through a store without difficulty. While I accept the limitations, I'm not happy about them. Poor Chris is having to carry the extra burden of helping me while carrying his own burdens. I know he doesn't mind but I worry that one day he'll say that enough is enough and go off on his own. I know he loves me more than that. But he's human and some days I wonder.

This time last year I was taking the Enbrel shots and boy, can I tell a difference! I was able to move without a lot of stiffness, shower, wash my hair and dress with little difficulty. Now, I am having a lot of trouble getting in and out of the shower or raising my hands above my head for the length of time it takes to wash my hair. It would be easier if I would cut my hair (which is down to the waist of my pants now) but I'm leaving it long for a friend's wedding. I have a few new joints in my hands that are acting up at the moment. This is the most trouble I've had with my hands in a long time. My back and feet have been tender and painful longer in the mornings after I wake up but it's not more than I can handle. My psoriasis, oh, where to start with that? Last year, my psoriasis had almost cleared completely on my scalp and elbows. The patches I had on my knees were completely gone. For the first time in seven years, I had contemplated whether or not to color my hair as I have always wanted to do but couldn't because of the sores on my scalp from the psoriasis. Now the psoriasis is back on my scalp, elbows and knees as well as on the left side of my neck and chest. I really don't like going anywhere in public without Chris. He makes me forget that I have those spots. I really wish that I could go back on the Enbrel. It's one of the things that I am going to talk to the rheumy about tomorrow when I go for my morning appointment. I know that my list of things to use to keep the arthritis under control is limited but there has to be something I can do to make me feel more human.

I'm taking it easy but I'm trying to get the things ready for tomorrow. I have put some dishes in the dishwasher that I need to use to make the roast. Chris is going to help me when he gets home from work. I just need to do the little things that I can. I'm thankful for my writer's group. I have gotten some wonderful constructive criticism that I am going to use in reworking my novel. So far, so good. Nanowrimo is coming up in less than two days. I sooooooo can't wait for it. With not much going on in my life, this is a big deal. I am happy to be a part of it. Still working away at both my afghan (which is nearly done) and my reading goal. I am suspecting that I won't reach 100 books read this year, but that doesn't mean I haven't tried or read a lot more than I would have thought. I will more than likely set my goal for next year at 100. If I get close to 70 this year, I know I can do 100 next year. Yay for me!

I'm off to do some work on my afghan. I'm going to be taking some pictures of it soon and will put them up when I can. Hope you all have a wonderful and safe Halloween tomorrow no matter what your plans may be. Have fun!

Love and blessings,
Kim