Re-awakening?

I know it's been over a month since I lasted posted anything. I haven't forgotten about you, my few readers, or this blog. For whatever reason, the month of February and the past week have been really hard to get through without medication and just hiding myself away except for the few moments that I spend with close friends and family on the telephone or through mail. I've only been on the net in the past few weeks to play games to distract myself a lot. I admit to ignoring my mail for a while. I just didn't want to go online to all that because I was doing whatever I could to distract myself from what I knew I needed to do - grieve. See, when Billy died, I cried. That day and night, I cried a lot. Then I had to be strong for the rest of my family. I wanted to make sure that everyone else was taken care of so that I wouldn't have to worry about them. My dearest friend, Deb, came all the way from Texas to be at my side during the showing and the funeral. I can never repay that woman enough for being a sister to me and in the past few weeks, I've felt as though I've let her down by not talking a lot. I let people think I was numb because I had taken my anxiety meds but in reality, I was just numb because I didn't want to think about the reality of it all.

Billy was my best friend. Yes, more than Deb, more than Chris, more than anyone in my life. He was the one person who knew me more than I ever knew myself - ever. He always knew what to say when I needed advice or what to say to make me laugh through my pain. After he died, my world crashed. Everyone was telling me it was okay to cry, to feel the pain and then to live above it because he would want me to keep going and make others laugh or smile. I didn't want to do that. I knew when I did allow myself to feel that I couldn't handle it. I knew it would overwhelm me and I would be swallowed up by the emotions. Maybe I could overcome it. Maybe it would take me with it. This past month I didn't have a choice. Everything I had been stuffing into neat little boxes and shoving into the dark corners of my mind burst from the boxes and flooded me. I wasn't the only one because my mom and brother, Andy, have told me that the past month has been hard for them too. I sometimes wish that my family was one where we could speak openly and honestly about everything instead of picking and choosing what to say. I do my best to be honest with everyone and to also respect what the other person tells me but I wish the same could be said of others. At any rate, I finally broke about two or three days after my last post here. Something hit me and I just couldn't stop thinking about Billy. My mind brought up the last moments of his life and replayed them over and over like a movie in my head. Then it was the bits and pieces of the showing and the funeral. I didn't know how to grieve and go on because I never had to do that before.

At this point, I'm doing okay. I smile and laugh a bit more freely now than I did last month. I can look at Billy's picture that sits beside my bed and not fall into sobs and tears. I can listen to the radio or the satellite music station and not have each song remind me of what I've lost. I know that Billy's life and attitude of love and patience touched a lot of people. It warms my heart to know that. I hope and I pray that one day I will be able to write his story. The pain of doing it hurts too deeply to even think of it right now. One day I will. Just not today.

Love and blessings,
Kim