Two More Days

I thought about doing my regular posts today but have decided just to write my thoughts for the next few days. Since the weather has changed colder and has actually stabilized a bit, the pain level has gone from above 10 to just around a 10 on the 10 point scale. I have kept moving a bit and stretching some over the last few days. I've even done a few exercises on our new nifty exercise machine. I just haven't done as much as I have before the past month. It frustrates me that my activity level, low that it was, is now even lower. Chris encourages me to keep me going even when I want to pull the covers over my head and not wake up. I wish that sometimes I could encourage myself. At any rate, Chris has decided to try to quit smoking now that we have the home gym set up completely. Whenever he begins to feel antsy, he will go in there and do a few exercises or take Dudley out for an extra small walk. I'm super proud of him because I know how hard it is to break a habit that is as addicting as smoking. He has cut down over the last ten years that we've been together. When we first started living together, Chris was smoking close to two full packs a day. Just before he quit on Sunday, he was making a pack of cigarrettes last for nearly three days. I realized in the beginning that if I got onto him or nagged him to stop, he would smoke more than if I just encouraged him to quit when he felt ready and I would be behind him 100%. I hope that at the end of the year I can say that he was successful for the whole year. Yet if he can only do it for a few months, then I'll be proud because he tried. You can't succeed if you don't stumble a few times along the way.

In two more days, I'll be the big 3-0. I'm not really dreading it like most of my friends think I am. To me, it just means I've moved from the awkwardness of the twenties into the more adult-like expectations of the thirties. That's not to say I won't joke around and have lots of fun. But I know there is a sense of heaviness and responsibility that comes with being in the thirties. It's time to stop playing so much and caring a little more about the things that really matter like family, great friends, and creating memories that last the rest of one's life. To be very honest, I'm dreading this birthday because of the obvious reason - that my brother won't be sharing it with me. Oh, what I would give to have one more birthday party with him. It always seemed that he was out to steal the spotlight of my birthday from the very beginning. I can remember when I was having my 3rd birthday party, my mom and dad had to stop the party because her water broke. Talk about upset! I didn't even get to have any of my Strawberry Shortcake themed birthday cake. From that moment forward, Billy and I shared our birthdays. As a young kid, it didn't really matter that we shared the parties and sometimes cakes. But as we grew older there was a sense of each of us wanting to have a little something for ourselves. I sit here now and know that my birthday is soon, his birthday comes 14 hours after mine. I would give just about anything to have one more shared birthday cake and party with him.

I miss Billy so much. I thought that I was okay with the fact that he had to leave this world and move onto whatever lay ahead after we die. In the days leading up to his death, it was sort of like being in a dream and not being able to wake up, no matter how hard you want to. The day he took his last breath, I cried and I mourned but in the back of my mind, it all still didn't seem real to me. I came home that day and slept. The next day I met Mom and Dad at the funeral home to plan the funeral arrangements. Even then nothing seemed to be real to me. It's only been in the last couple of weeks that everything has started to hit me that he's not going to be here with me physically. We'll never spend another day together just hanging out or eating pizza or doing anything. I'll never get to hear his voice on the phone after he's gotten all excited over something that his little dog, Dale, has done or even when he's planning something like a prank. I won't get to hear his evil, little giggle. I won't get to see his face light up over pictures or gifts that touched him. It all just sucks so bad. I feel the ache and the hole deep inside me grow with each moment that I remember that we shared. In the past few days, I've really grown envious of my mom and dad. They have something to distract them for a little while because they get up and go to work every day. All I had each day was usually Billy - calling to check on him, calling to make sure he took meds, going over there to be with him for a while, and most often then not, reminding him that he is worth so much to people. He was a very, very large part of my life and I haven't figured out what my purpose in this life is without him. He was one of my first best friends. Andy, the youngest, was the other. We were the three musketeers, always getting into trouble together or getting one another in trouble.

Oh, Billy. If you could see how many people love you so much, they hurt every moment under the weight of your loss. You broke down one time and screamed that no one loved you and you had no friends. I wish you had seen all the people who came to both the showing and the funeral. The little book that people were to sign held over 100 addresses. But there were so many more there. Don't you realize that you also impacted the lives of others who live all around the world? There were people across the oceans praying for you each time that you went into the hospital. I know that they also grieved that you passed from this earth. But Billy, no matter how much you don't want us to cry over your being gone, it's so hard not to cry. When you have something so precious, so fragile and beautiful in your hand all the time, it's hard to appreciate just how wonderful that gift is. Only when it is lost, hidden from view, does the heart long for it and the mind try to recreate every nuance of the gift. That's how I feel about you, Billy. You were a precious, wonderful gift that gave small parts of your love and heart to those who you deemed worthy even when the rest of the world would have turned their backs. I miss how you sparkled and shined. Pictures only capture one small part of who we are. But it's all we have left now. I love you, Billy.

I love all of you, my readers. Thank you for putting up with my rambling and my strange posts. I have tried to make things as routine as possible but sometimes that just doesn't happen with emotions and grieving. Thank you for the encouragement to keep going and to keep writing no matter what comes out. There could be a diamond in the rough hidden somewhere. For now, I'm off to get some sleep. Take care out there.

Love and blessings,
Kim

Health Headlines 1/12/07

Annual Gulf Coast Phenomenon May Trigger Respiratory Symptoms ~> Click here.

Gene Associated With Severe Kidney Failure In Diabetes Identified By Researchers ~> Click here.

Genetic Factors Associated With Head And Neck Cancer Examined By Study ~> Click here.

Soy Compound May Fight Breast, Ovarian Cancers, Says Tulane Cancer Researcher ~> Click here.

American Diabetes Association: Embryonic Stem Cell Research Offers Great Promise For Americans With Diabetes ~> Click here.

Bilingualism Has Protective Effect In Delaying Onset Of Dementia By Four Years, Canadian Study Shows ~> Click here.

Housework...bleh

Look! It's my Dudley! He just wanted to stop by and make an appearance in my blog since it's been a little while between now and he last visit. That sneaky little dog is actually sitting by my side as I'm typing this. Lol, he'd much rather be lounging outside in the sunshine but it's so cold outside when the wind starts to swirl around that I don't want to leave him out there too long. If it were to snow and stay cold, I don't think he would want to stay out there for so long. However, with the sun shining and the birds still coming around to hop along our fence, he wants to be out there. So I just had put up this picture of him pleading for something.

I have decided to get a little bit of housework done today whether I wanted to or not. I can't sit and do nothing any longer. I promise to pace myself, not to overdo things. So far I've gotten a load of laundry in the washer and some cans put into the recycle bin. Now I feel exhausted and I still have a loooooong list of things to do. Okay, I should say that the list is made of things that I think should be done. So I'm just going to be happy if I get two loads of laundry done and a bit of the living room straightened. There's some kind of chest/sinus congestion bug going around. Chris and I have both woke up the last few days with extra drainage. I went through the house and sprayed Lysol on all the doorknobs and surfaces that needed spraying. I used to do that once every two weeks or so, but haven't been doing it as often in the past few months. It became a habit when Chris started chemotherapy two years ago. I guess I'll have to keep it a habit throughout the cold/flu seasons. We did get our shots for the year. I'm just hoping that we stay away from the tough colds for awhile. I don't really need anything else to worry over at the moment anyway.

I have been working on my cross-stitch projects once again. I still have to finish the one I've been working on for the past year. I tried to do bits and pieces of it as the mood would hit me, but I never really worked steadily on it as I have been doing my reading goal or my writing goal over the past few weeks. I'm made sure to at least write for 15 minutes in my journal. I don't really have a formula either. I just write whatever comes into my mind. I've nearly finished my first book of the year. Yay! I'm making really good starts on all things that I want to accomplish this year. And yes, that does mean the exercise portion of my goals as well. My rheumy had warned me against using the joints that are tender/inflammed because I could cause further damage to them. Off and on over the past week, I kept doing these stretches and flexing exercises while I was stuck in the bed. That way I was not just laying around. Today I did my five minute walk. Okay, I mean waddle. Geez, you guys just keep expecting the truth, don't ya! I'm really proud of myself so far. Starting things is the easy part for me but continuing them to the very end is the hard part. You all are my witnesses that I must keep trying. With that being said, I'm off to put the laundry in the dryer and then I'll have to have a rest for a bit before putting another load in the washer. Take care everyone. You're all in my thoughts.

Love and blessings,

Kim

Health Headlines 1/11/07

Turning Green Gunk To Anti-Cancer Gold ~> Click here.

Genetic Variation May Reduce Alzheimer's Risk ~> Click here.

Study Supports A Stem Cell Origin Of Cancer ~> Click here.

Drug Linked To Increase In Brain Hemorrhage Cases ~> Click here.

Women With Migraines More Likely To Have Depression ~> Click here.

Want To Improve Memory? Strengthen Your Synapses. Here's How ~> Click here.

Sleep Apnea And Family History Of Death From Heart Disease Linked ~> Click here.

Taking It Easy

The past week has really been a painful one for me. I'm talking every sense of the word too. My hands have been swollen so bad that going to the bathroom became a challenge as did dressing myself or even getting a shower. Then once my hands began to slowly decrease in size, my feet decided they wanted in on the pain action. They didn't swell as much as my hands but the bottom of my feet were definitely tender. I am an overweight woman, not afraid to admit it. I am taking steps, although small ones, to correct that but for now I have to deal with what I got and that's a lot of junk in the trunk. So easing that weight onto tender feet feels like a thousand little knives stabbing me all at once. And walking...oh man, does it suck! Therefore I had been lounging a bit and trying to do small things here and there. After countless times of bumping my hands or stubbing toes, I finally just said forget this and stayed in the bed most of the day. Chris did a few home improvements to make it easier for me to access the net while still in bed. This doesn't give me an excuse to stay in bed all the time, but gives me an avenue to stay in touch. And yes, of course, that means that I can keep my blog up. *grumble grumble* Just kidding.

I have been doing a lot of thinking but most of it is mixed up. Whenever I start to write things out, whether here or in my offline journal, it just seems like I'm rambling. I mean, there is a flow to the ramblings but it just doesn't have an ending. I want to post some of them here, but I just don't want to make people feel confused at the end. Maybe I should have a section for ponderings. Something to think about. I know a lot of the ramblings center around the fact that Billy's birthday is coming up very soon. While talking with a good friend of mine, she reminded me that the first year is always the hardest. I certainly hope so at least. For now I'm going to send a couple of emails off and then I'm going to relax for a while. I don't want to push myself too much to make things worse than what they were before. So, I hope everyone out there take sit easy as well.

Love and blessings,
Kim

Health Headlines 1/10/07

Renegade RNA: Clues To Cancer And Normal Growth ~> Click here.

Radiation Therapy Combo Cures Prostate Cancer Long-Term ~> Click here.

Seven For 2007: Seven Things You Should Know About Breast Cancer Risk, From The Harvard Women's Health Watch ~> Click here.

Genentech Announces Positive Results From A Randomized Phase II Study Of Pertuzumab In Combination With Gemcitabine For Advanced Ovarian Cancer ~> Click here.

End-Of-Life Care: Bioethical Perspectives And Conflict Resolution ~> Click here.

Dentists Could Detect Osteoporosis, Automatically ~> Click here.

Speeding Development Of Novel Tracer For Prostate Cancer ~> Click here.

Diabetech To Transform Global Diabetes Care In 2007 With Launch Of GlucoMON2 Wireless Glucose Meter ~> Click here.

New Gene Associated With Wilms Tumor Found By MGH Cancer Center Researchers ~> Click here.

Risk Factors For Diabetes Following Liver Transplant ~> Click here.

No Benefit For Liver Cancer Patients From Long-Acting Octreotide ~> Click here.

Cancer-Killing Invention Also Harvests Stem Cells ~> Click here.

Anesiva Announces Clinical Plan For Pivotal Testing Of 4975, Long-Acting Pain Candidate ~> Click here.

Cephalon Announces Positive Results From Two Phase 3 Clinical Trials Of FENTORA(TM) In Breakthrough Pain ~> Click here.

People At Genetic Risk For Alzheimer's Age Mentally Just Like Noncarriers Until Old Age ~> Click here.

Antibody Therapy Prevents Type 1 Diabetes In Mice ~> Click here.

Medicare Begins To Cover Ultrasounds To Detect Aneurysms ~> Click here.

Nine Ways To Relieve Joint Stress ~> Click here.

Higher Folate Levels Linked To Reduced Risk For Alzheimer's Disease ~> Click here.

Dartmouth Researchers Find That Arsenic Triggers Unique Mechanism In Rare Leukemia ~> Click here.

Cognitive Rehabilitation Not Covered By Many Health Insurers ~> Click here.

Non-prescription Compound Found In Chillies Destroys Cancer Tumours Safely ~> Click here.

Expecting the Snow

Yep, that's what I'm doing right now. Expecting the snow to start falling at any moment. The temperature was nice yesterday, near 60 degrees F but today it feels so much colder than the 43 degrees F that the weatherman says it is. It's been raining off and on the past two days. Yesterday I was so swollen that my shoes felt as though they'd burst when I put them on. But I still went and picked my mom up from work because, well mostly because I wanted to see her. We've kinda been dancing around the subject of Billy's passing over the past couple of weeks. I mean, we start to talk about him and then we stop. She told me she feels as though she can't cry on my shoulders about Billy because of everything else I'm going through. What she doesn't truly realize is that I don't really want to cry on her shoulders about it because of the same reason - she has so much more going on inside that I don't want to add to whether she's my mom or not. One of these days, we'll be able to laugh and cry over Billy together. I know it's going to be a while though.

Because of how bad I was hurting yesterday, I was pretty much knocked out. I took my pain pills and just laid around. I tried to get up and do a few things to straighten the house but whenever I would try to bend or put more weight on one foot than the other, I felt as though I was having some knives being shoved into the bottoms of my feet. After awhile, I get used to the feeling and it doesn't bother me very much as it does when I first start to move. But I wish I didn't have to feel that at all. My hands haven't been painful although they have been very swollen. I've had a hard time opening things that weren't a problem a few days ago. I guess I just got spoiled by all the awesome weather that Indiana was having for the last few months. We've had some unseasonably warm weather and now Mother Nature is back on the right course. That's why I wouldn't be at all surprised to see snow on the ground in the next couple of weeks. Either way, I'm glad I spent yesterday with my feet up for the most part. I was able to start working on my reading goal. I'm almost finished reading the first book. Okay, I should have been done with this book by now, but I've been making myself stick to a routine of sorts so that it limits my time sitting in one place. That's one thing I'm not supposed to be doing. Chris and I did buy a home gym as I'm sure I have written about before. We can't use it just yet because we have to put it together first. Plus it would help if we had all the necessary pieces and parts before we attempt putting it together. There was an automatic two year warranty just for being the gym system so all I had to do was call them. The company is shipping the parts free of charge. Whenever we get them, Chris will put the gym together. Then I have no excuses for not trying to do even a little bit of exercise. In fact, Chris said he was going to quit smoking this year should we be able to get the gym together (and correctly). Having that will give him something to do when he gets antsy and feels as though he needs a cigarrette. One of our goals to work on together is to get healthy.

For today, I mostly laid around again. I did get up and waddle around the house a bit a few times. For the most part I've been working on a few stories and reading. Taking it easy. I am planning on attempting to do laundry tomorrow. So we'll see what happens. For all my readers (the few there are), I just want to say thanks for stopping by. I know it can be a bit boring. But if you have any questions over anything, feel free to post them in the comments and I'll do my best to answer them. Take care.

Love and blessings,
Kim

Daily Inspiration

Knock the "t" Off theThe "Can't"
by Neil Eskelin

Recently I took a sheet of paper and divided it into two columns: "Yes People," and "No People." Then I thought about individuals I knew and wrote their names in the appropriate column. What a shock it was to see the length of the "No" list.

These were the people who heard someone say, "You can't do that!" and they believed it. Now they were saying, "It can't be done!" and their negativity was affecting the lives of others.

If your friends made such a list right now, under which heading would they write your name? Do they see you as enthusiastic, affirmative and optimistic? Or do they believe you see more problems than solutions?

It's time to knock the "t" off the "can't." I like the words of author Frank Hughes: "I will say this about being an optimist; even when things don't turn out well, you are certain they will get better."

You are only a decision away from responding with hope instead of fear, with encouragement instead of criticism, with belief instead of despair. It's your choice!

Source

Health Headlines 1/6/07

Get A Good Start In 2007: Ring In The New Year With FoodFit's Seven Steps For Healthy Living ~> Click here.

Cervical Cancer: Towards A Preventive Vaccine? ~> Click here.

Chromium May Help Diabetes, Cholesterol, And Heart Disease ~> Click here.

Rogue Gene Linked To Breast And Childhood Cancer Risk ~> Click here.

Statin Use Not Associated With Colorectal Cancer Risk ~> Click here.

Role Of Folate Unclear In Breast Cancer Risk ~> Click here.

Study Identifies Hypothyroidism Among Patients Taking Sunitinib ~> Click here.

Glucose Levels Trigger Compensation For Type 2 Diabetics ~> Click here.

Hybrid Molecule Causes Cancer Cells To Self-Destruct ~> Click here.

Herceptin Improves Survival Rate For Aggressive Breast Cancer Patients On Chemo ~> Click here.

BN ImmunoTherapeutics Starts Trials With New Breast Cancer Vaccine ~> Click here.

Cold Sore Virus Might Play Role In Alzheimer's ~> Click here.

Emotions ~ Can't live with them, can't live without them

Today was a sleepy day for me. I couldn't sleep last night. I have a hard time sleeping when no one else is home with me. Chris had to work late so did the housemates. Therefore I locked up the house and sat in the bed. I wrote out the last of the thank you notes from the Christmas gifts, making sure get them stamped before I felt too sleepy. Then I took my hour of writing in my journal. I haven't been writing in it like I should be and I have a lot to backtrack over. I wish I had been in the right state of mind to write during the few weeks of Billy being in the hospital and then after his passing. From a writer's standpoint, I was seeing things. I mean that I was conscious of every detail as though I was detached and looking at it from outside myself. It was kind of an odd feeling. I can't change the fact I didn't write everything down now, but I'm doing my best to write as much as I can remember. Last night as I was writing, I started to get really, really angry. I really don't know what triggered that feeling. All I know is that I got mad. Then I realized I was mad at Billy. Mad at him for leaving us at only 26 years old. Mad at him for not getting up and moving around. Mad at him for not doing the things that doctors wanted him to do early on in his treatments for Lupus. I don't know if his listening would have made a difference but I was mad that we wouldn't have the opportunity to see if it would have worked. I forced myself to stay awake until Chris got off work. I didn't badger him right when he got home but waited for a little bit before asking him if it was okay to be angry. I didn't want to think that I shouldn't be mad. I'm not just mad at him. I'm mad at myself for not pestering him to get him out of the stupid blue, chair. If I had made myself do more, maybe he would have done some things as well. It just boils down to the fact he's gone. I want him here. I miss him so much that even now, almost two months after his death, I see him as I close my eyes. Last night I wasn't able to sleep at all. I finally laid down around 730 am this morning.

I woke up briefly when Chris got up to get ready for work. Then I slept for a while longer. I really didn't wake up until about 4 pm or so. My day's started pretty late but I hope to get everything I want done. Besides, there's a weather front moving through the state. That makes me swollen and owie as well. So I'm kinda stuck at the moment. Well, stuck at the computer. For the record, I am making the best of things by checking through emails and listening to my podcasts. I have so many that I want to listen to that it will take weeks before I get through all the archived podcasts of just a few of the ones I've subscribed to. I have a lot of podcasts that have to do with writing and genres of writing but there are a few that are for the geekiness of myself. I just might put up a list of podcast websites on the side. Just not sure yet. That will lead to republishing the blog and I don't want to do that for just one or two changes. So I think it would be wise to wait until I find the full list and then I won't have to keep changing things. That's sort of the reason why I haven't added any new links for the Arthritis Foundation or other support groups at the moment. Which leads to my next bit of thinking news, I thinking very seriously about starting a support group for Lupus down here in our state. There isn't anything for Lupus that I'm aware of here in the southern part of Indiana. My mother and I have been talking about doing something to raise awareness of Lupus and related diseases. This is a great start. I was able to get in touch with the wonderful woman who is head of the Northwestern Chapter of the National Lupus Foundation. We discussed some of the ideas that Mom and I had been thinking over. The woman sent me a package of information to read over and think about whether or not I want to do something of that nature. We'll have to see what Mom says. I don't want to do it alone if I don't have to.

It's getting late, so I'm going to end this post for now. I have a few more things to take care of on the computer and then I need to get busy with the writing. I have a few great friends who are also dealing with the death of a young person who was dear to their hearts. I had the wonderful opportunity to have had some internet messenger conversations with him months before his passing. I'm sorry I didn't have the chance to get closer to him. But I want those who loved him to know that I keep you in my thoughts and pray that comfort comes to you when you need it the most. Take care out there.

Love and blessings,
Kim

Health Headlines 1/4/07

Gene Discovered For Form Of Brittle Bone Disease ~> Click here.

Increased Risk Of Depression Among Young Adults Associated With Child Abuse And Neglect ~> Click here.

North Carolina Pharmacist Program Helps Diabetics Manage Disease ~> Click here.

People With Diabetes, Employers Struggle With Defining Disease As Disability ~> Click here.

Alzheimer’s Disease: Let’s Weigh-in On The Risks ~> Click here.

Teens Overlooked In Cancer Research Says McMaster Researcher ~> Click here.

Can Fish Intake Predict Chances Of Developing Dementia? ~> Click here.

Feeling Blue

Not feeling so peppy today. Been feeling achey and not wanting to move. Some of it is the arthritis taking its toll on my joints but most of it has to be some sort of flu/virus that Chris or I have picked up somewhere. I've been waddling between the bathroom and my bedroom several times since I woke up around 11 this morning. Hopefully it will just be something that lasts for a day or two and then I can be my usually annoying self again. The weather isn't helping much as it won't make up its mind whether it wants to be winter or spring. Here we've had some days that we would normally experience mid-spring. Then the nights feel like what the winters should be. Mix into that a little bit of rain and you've got the perfect recipe for sickness and days of pain, swelling and just plain old ickiness. Therefore I have decided to spend the day laying about and working on a few things that won't involve me sitting here in front of the computer all day. I still have to do my required time writing so I may just prop myself up in my bed, get comfy with some drinks next to me, a little bit of something to munch on, and set pen to paper for awhile. I really want to finish the story I was working on for the NaNoWriMo challenge that I didn't finish last year. (Feels so weird saying last year when it truly doesn't feel like it's been that long ago.)

Spent some time talking with my mom today. She's been in contact with the offices of a couple of our Senators about getting some more attention to the disease, Lupus. One of the office assistants was kind enough to give us some ideas of what to do in order to get the ball rolling, so to speak. I know that Mom and I are in this fight together. We both feel as though we don't want the suffering and pain that Billy endured to be have been in vain. We want to bring people's attention to the fact that even though he went through all these horrible and painful episodes, he still smiled and made people laugh. He kept that positive attitude throughout the past twelve years. If we are able to make it so some little boy or girl somewhere doesn't have to make the decisions Billy had to make or go through the pain and the treatments that Billy had to endure, then I believe that Mom and I will have been successful. I want to give people hope, hope that they aren't alone in what they're going through, hope that people do care and want to help, hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and things will be better. I'm not talking about religion, but that there will be a treatment regime that puts Lupus into remission and makes it so that the person will never be bothered by the disease again.

For now, I think I will go through a few emails and then work on my reading goal and writing a bit. Not wanting to really do anything but I have to do a bit of something to make the day feel worth waking up for. Take care out there.

Love and blessings,
Kim

Health Headlines 1/3/07

USC Team Reveals Structure Of APOBEC Family Protein - Study Sheds New Light On Rare Immunodeficiency Disease ~> Click here.

Elan And Biogen Idec Submit Supplemental Biologics License Application To The Fda For The Approval Of Tysabri® As A Treatment For Crohn's Disease ~> Click here.

Oxymetazoline As An Anti-inflammatory Drug In Nose Sprays: Mode Of Action Now Clear ~> Click here.

Researchers Identify New Drug Targets For Cancer ~> Click here.

Stem Cells As Cancer Therapy - Stem Cells And Metastatic Cancer: Fatal Attraction? ~> Click here.

IU Cancer Physician Honored By National Komen Foundation ~> Click here.

Ranbaxy Granted Final FDA Approval To Market Simavastatin 5, 10, 20 And 40 Mg Tablets ~> Click here.

Gene Tied To Longevity Also Preserves Ability To Think Clearly And Could Help Delay Onset Of Alzheimer's Disease ~> Click here.

Sex Differences And Rheumatoid Arthritis ~> Click here.

Happy New Year

I hope everyone had a happy time during New Year's. My own celebration was a somber one. I dreaded midnight coming around because I couldn't make time stop so I wouldn't celebrate a new year without my brother, Billy. I thought maybe, if we could not let the clock keep ticking, I wouldn't have to face the firsts that come along with not having Billy around. Days that are important will now be tinged with sadness. The first birthday without him. The first Easter. The first whatever. It will all be sadder than usual. I'm dreading my birthday as it comes in the next couple of weeks. After Billy was born, Mom would usually celebrate our days at the same time. It was just cheaper and easier than to have separate parties. Many times I wanted separate parties just because I didn't want to have to share as I was growing up. I wanted recognition of my own day. I know he did too at times. What I would give to have another chance to share a birthday with him. I wish I could.

The new year marks a change in my life. I have been trying to discover who I am and what I'm supposed to be in this lifetime, something I'm sure that all of us have done a some moment in our lives. Now the dynamic I had gotten settled before Billy's death has all been thrown into a blender and pulsed a few times. I'm still a daughter, a sister, a wife, a cousin and other titles. But is it right that I still consider myself a sister to Billy? Should I disregard over 20 years of wearing that title? I know that in some ways I will have to let go of it and then in some ways I will wear it proudly. It seems as though it's a constant battle. I guess it's up to me whether I see myself as something or not. Just seems odd not to say that I'm his sister when I talk about myself. Often times I wonder if my parents and Andy, my younger brother, aren't going through the same things. Do they still seem themselves as they once were? Did they toss away the title of "something" to Billy as well? This year will be a year in which our family comes close and redefines itself or we will scatter and lose ourselves. I pray and hope that it's not the latter.

The weather here still doesn't feel as though it's winter time around here. It's warm during the day and dropping low at night which doesn't really help with the swelling much. In fact, it kinda makes things worse for me. I had wanted to go over to Mom's several times last week, but wasn't able to because I couldn't get a shower without too much pain or by the time I finished getting ready, I was exhausted. Of course, my mom would tell me not to worry about coming over if I didn't feel like I could. Yet I know that I can't spend every moment in this house. I've done that before and almost went nuts because of it. I am going to use some of my Christmas money to buy a bicycle. I will have to wear gloves because the skin on my hands is really tender but I want to get out more. In fact, Chris and I bought a house gym so that I can do some exercises here without feeling too bad. I know I won't drop 50 pounds and look like a movie star in the first thirty days of using it. But if it gets me healthier and helps to take some of the pain away, I'll try it. I have been watching what I eat and not letting myself just sit and eat all the time. So maybe with the good weather and some exercising, I'll not have so many days of swelling and pain. That would be awesome.

Today is the day when I also set my goals for the year. I know that there will be events that I have no control over, but if I never try to do anything, then I can never have the opportunity to succeed either. So, for the year 2007, I will like to achieve the following;

*Read 100 books by December 31st.
*Write 3 complete novels.
*Finish editing current novel.
*Research guidelines for novel submissions.
*Get healthier.
*Finish craft projects (afghan and 5 cross-stitch projects).

Those are the few goals I'm setting for myself. I know that I could possibly put more for myself to do but I'm not going to set myself up to fail on purpose anymore. If I get through these goals, then whatever I do is extra and I will be so proud of myself. But this is where I'm setting the bar this year. I have started writing in my journal again. I stopped just a few days before Billy was taken to the hospital. I had written each day up to that point last year. I am going to start again and write the entire year this year. I write for as long as my hands allow me because I have so much to get out. Most of the time it's about Billy, about things that other people tire of hearing over and over. That's not saying that I won't mention him from time to time here, in conversations, or in letters. He was a very large part of my life and he will continue to be until I stop breathing on this earth. For now I'm off to finish catching up emails. I have a small routine that I'm trying to keep to if at all possible. Take care of yourselves out there.

Love and blessings,
Kim

Health Headlines 1/2/07

Involvement Of The Amygdala In Systemic Lupus Erythematosus ~> Click here.

Tsunami Two Years Later: American Red Cross Continues To Support Critical Needs Of Survivors ~> Click here.

New Gluten-Free Bread Developed By CeRPTA ~> Click here.

FDA Says Food From Cloned Animals Is Safe To Eat ~> Click here.

Cooking, Cleaning And Washing Helps You Ward Off Breast Cancer ~> Click here.

New Hypertension Guidelines Fail To Improve Blood Pressure Control In People With Diabetes ~> Click here.

National Changing Diabetes(SM) Program Introduces New Web Site ~> Click here.

New Target For Alzheimer's Vaccine ~> Click here.

Physical Therapists Can Help Relieve Pain ~> Click here.

Asthma Medicine Halts Pancreatic Cancer Cell Growth ~> Click here.

The Majority Of Ulcerative Colitis Patients Are Not Compliant With Medications, CCFA Survey Finds ~> Click here.

Non-Drug Treatments For Dementia Show Promise, Experts Say ~> Click here.

Profiling Of Cancer Genes May Lead To Better And Earlier Detection ~> Click here.

Indiana University Pursues Dementia Research With Fourth NIH Center Grant ~> Click here.

HER2 (ErbB2) Positive Advanced Breast Cancer - Landmark Tykerb (Lapatinib) Data Published In The New England Journal Of Medicine ~> Click here.